Depression Says What
January 28, 2016

I say ‘Good Morning!’
Depression says ‘You don’t deserve to be awake.’

I say ‘Chilly one out there today!’
Depression says ‘Go back to sleep, you can’t fail at that. Hit the snooze button and I’ll leave you alone for nine whole minutes.’
I say ‘Deal.’

Depression says ‘Got your libido!’
I say ‘Give it back!’
Depression says ‘No givesies, no backsies.’
I say ‘But without erections, how will I prove that I’m a man?’
Depression says ‘My point exactly.’

I say ‘Shower time!’
Depression says ‘Why not sit down? You’re so fat, and gravity is everywhere these days.’

I say ‘Better take my medication.’
Depression says ‘I should have killed you when I had the chance.’
I say ‘What’s that?’
Depression says ‘Oh, nothing.’

I say ‘I should eat something. Maybe a handful of-‘
Depression says ‘handful of shredded cheese! Jinx!’

I say ‘Time to go to work!’
Depression says ‘Shotgun!’

I say ‘I like this radio station because there’s light rock, but there’s also less talk.’
Depression says ‘You’re a real sack of shit.’
I say ‘Sure is a lot of traffic.’
Depression says ‘This is all your fault. All these people, they’re real people. They deserve a place in traffic. You’re in their way.’

Depression says ‘You’re tired, you didn’t get enough sleep.’
I say ‘But we slept in all morning!’
Depression says ‘So?’
I say ‘Leave me alone.’
Depression says ‘Leave me alone.’
I say ‘Stop copying me!’
Depression says ‘Stop copying yourself.’

I say ‘Good morning everybody!’
Depression says ‘They’re just smiling politely because they all know how ugly and sweaty and dumb and late you are. It’s Monday morning and you’ve already fucked up your whole week. Go hide in the bathroom.’
I say ‘Sounds like a plan.”

Depression says ‘Stop hitting yourself.’
Depression says ‘Stop hitting yourself.’
Depression says ‘Stop hitting yourself.’

I say ‘Maybe I should talk to my therapist.’
Depression says ‘You missed your last appointment and now he knows you’re stupid. You can’t go back there.’

I say ‘Maybe I should write these feelings down.’
Depression says ‘It won’t matter. You can personify me, write me down, paint a picture, sing a song, act me out. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve known you your whole life, better than you know yourself, and my fondest wish, all I want, is for you to give up right now.’
I say ‘Okay.’

I say ‘Wait, but what about women? Women are pretty.’
Depression says ‘I talked to all the women, none of them like you.’
I say ‘Yeah, but I heard like three of them do. And what about art? There’s a bunch of new albums coming out tomorrow, new comic books on Wednesday, new movies on Friday. And what about friends? I’ve got a few of those, they’re probably all up to their individual shenanigans. I can’t miss any of their trademark shenanigans!’

Depression says ‘But–’
I say ‘I can’t hear you!’
Depression says ‘But’
I say ‘La la la la la la, la la la la la!’
Depression says ‘You think you can beat me with the theme from the Smurfs? You think you can stop me? I killed David Foster Wallace, and you’re not half as smart as he was. You just spent three hours talking to yourself in the bathroom.’
I say ‘Yeah, but it was worth it.’

Depression says ‘See you tomorrow.’
I say ‘ Maybe not.’


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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