Tony Alfieri is the human reincarnation of Enkimdu, the Sumerian god of ditches and canals.

Coming of age in Sonoma County’s wine country, I fancied myself a bit of a sommelier. One can’t retain the constitution of a sixth-year college senior forever though, so I’ve turned my taste bud talent toward articulating softer beverages, ones that won’t also violate my child custody court-ordered alcohol aversion class. First up: Mountain Dew’s wide array of vintages.

(Note: contrary to the custom of spitting out wine after tasting, I consume all 20 oz. [and 91 chart-topping mgs. of caffeine] of each flavor to ensure that I’m Dew-ing it justice.)

Code Red: Glossy, cough drop color opens to balanced aromas of maraschino cherries, lime sherbet, and DayQuil. Medium body teases the palate with a mellow finish that touches on Red Vines, strawberry Pez, and the faintest hint of hair gel. The perfect complement to anything Flamin’ Hot or Cool Ranch.


Dew Throwback (with Cane Sugar): Shimmering engine coolant color rouses complex aromas of fruit popsicles, lemon meringue, and Slip ‘n’ Slide plastic. This medium-to-full body classic has a zesty mouthfeel, evoking Emergen-C and a lively finish bursting with notes of tangerine blossoms, handfuls of Mike and Ikes, and freshly opened tennis ball canisters. Pairs well with “Cheez” products, chewing tobacco, and ADHD meds.

White Out: Strikingly whitish, cross between LA tap water and barium sulfate color cheers on robust scents of grapefruit, slathered sunscreen, and fireworks smoke. Full body tickles the palate until it pees its pants, and finish hints at coconut flakes, cherry burps, and water slide park water going up your nose. Can be served anywhere from professional Jet Ski competitions to amateur Jet Ski competitions, and, if I’m not mistaken, actually makes everything seem brighter.

Voltage: Blinding drain cleaner color totally incites super-vigorous scents of Blue Raspberry, lots and lots of casino water show disinfectant, and a bunch of Mylar balloons burning on power lines. Really hefty body seriously explodes on the palate like two wake boarders fully fist bumping, and titty-twisting finish hella stings with massive notes of suicide soda and way, way too much birthday cake frosting. Pairs eXtremely well with Tostitos, Totino’s, El Torito, taquitos, burritos, and licking batteries.

Diet Dew: Ab-so-lutely insane bile color distracts your dumb nose while even insanerer smells of NutraSweet, gallstones, boogie board leashes, ass, and lime sucker punch you in the stupid mouth. Boom!!! Tight-ass body crushes the palate like a capsized white water raft hurling dork-face paddlers into the rapids (ha ha!!!), and acrid finish barely screeches past the gag reflex as if sliding down a dry pool slide shirtless (ha ha ha ha!!!), with accents of cocaine drips and huffing Sharpies to the dome all day. Boo-ya!!! Perfect beverage for visiting someone in prison, crafting conspiracy theories, watching yourself workout, and yelling, “Hell yeah, bro!” Hell yeah, bro!

Live Wire: Searing GODDAMN molten hot hot hot HOT lava engulfing/swallowing/ completely frickin’ annihilating a roadside shack in amazing! Hawaii-Hawai’i color smelly smells like snorting pixie stix off a red rubber ball OH YEAH, eating powdered hand soap because those idiots bet you wouldn’t (!!!! who’s laughing now?), and nitrous oxide (N2O) dental mask yes yes yes yes yes! Full-FRICKIN’(fucking)-body pounds the palate like it pounds those little veins on the side of your head ‘til they’re sticking out pulsinggggggg, over and over and over and over and OVER and over ‘til all you hear is your <3heartheartheartheart<3, then Mega butt-humping finish sssssstabs YOUR TONGUE à la McDonald’s orange drink syrup WITH NO WATER yum, licking a Creamsicle©™®℗¶$½√℠⏏œ off the sidewalk, methadone, crack, crack, and more crack. (crack?) DRINK IT EVERY DAY or I will hunt your family down!!!!!!! (Onion volcano, too.)

Baja Blast: Greenish bluish yellowish butt color ARGHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHA AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHHAAA HHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!think they can stop me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!9/11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lakers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GOODNIGHT

Sangrita Blast: TBD

Typhoon: TBD

Supernova: TBD

Game Fuel Cherry-Citrus: TBD

Game Fuel Electrifying Berry: TBD


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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