Behold, from atop my head arise innumerable long, silken strands. Individually they are weak, but together they are strong. Amassed, they shine brightly like a crown. Bask in their glow. Once lifeless, they now dance triumphantly upon the wind. Revel in their collective weightiness, like the hilt of a well-balanced sword. Buy Garnier Fructis Sleek and Shine Shampoo.

If we are not women, then who are we? If we are not warriors, then who are we? We don armor of cotton and rayon and nylon. This armor shall empower the unempowered. This armor shall intimidate the unscrupulous. This armor shall be lightweight and affordable. Buy L’eggs Body-Shaping Sheer Pantyhose.

Lo! Rejoice! Mother Gaia hath bestowed on us a molten ambrosia that flows from deep within fecund pods of cacao! Sweet nectar of the Gods! Favored elixir of Hera! O were it possible that I might die by the hand of chocolate, for such a death would truly be honorable. Introducing New Slimfast Death-by-Chocolate Protein Shakes.

I sing the body electric! I sing of sweet perspiration that garnishes the upper lip. I sing of arms like Michelle, of buns made of steel. I sing the body ecstatic, I sing the body aerobic! Order your Beach Body Fit in 90 DVD collection today.

They say no man is an island. They should say no woman is not an island. Like an island, a woman is fertile; like an island, a woman bears fruit; like an island, a woman’s dry weight depends on phases of the moon. Also, always remember that every dinosaur in Jurassic Park was a strong female character. Paid for by the Hawaiian Tourism Board.

Come relish the bounties of womanhood! Come honor the bonds of female friendship! Come witness the beautiful savagery of unbridled competition between Daughters of Athena, Goddess of War! Bring popcorn! Watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Sundays at 7pm on Bravo.

Truth is sacred. But sometimes, the truth must be summoned with a lasso around the necks unrighteous vermin. Buy Victor Nitro Strength Mouse Traps.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!