Salmonella: What Rihanna serves when she has people over for din din, accompanied by a side of spinach ella ella ella.

Legionella: An annual music festival in Detroit that always results in the death of at least one and a half Kid Rock impersonators.

Nocardiosis: The hottest new anti-workout, which involves simply saying, “no,” to physical activity of any kind and then continuing to live with your body and life choices.

Tropical Ulcer: A potent strain of medicinal marijuana always recommended by a guy named Brad. Really smooth and relaxed high but unfortunately followed by the immediate death of a Kid Rock impersonator.

Pasteurella Canis: A trendy new Italian restaurant in Brentwood. Sick cannolis. $$$

Brodie Absess: A support group for people who are obsessed with Adrien Brody. (Roughly five people are affected total.)

Riggs’ Disease: A constant feeling of needing to have sex with Tim Riggins to the point that it’s nearly impossible to function on a day-to-day basis. (Literally everyone suffers from it.)

Pertussis: A perfect name for a pet lizard. Could also be used for an iguana, but definitely not a snake.

Tetanus: Runner-up title for the movie Titanic. In the end they (Hollywood) decided to go with a title sans the word anus.

Chlamydia Suis: The name Dr. Seuss’s friends gave him after he hooked up with this ho named Cheryl.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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