Disney Projects in Development
By
October 17, 2014

Today we have an exclusive preview of some of the upcoming animated features in production at Disney. Everyone knows and loves the unmistakable way that Disney tells stories, and as you’ll see, our continued mission is to keep that legacy alive and well while continuing to appeal to new generations.

Coming hot off the heels of the massive success Frozen, we’re developing another princess movie titled with a natural phenomenon of the elements. Loosely based on The Little Match Girl, we present:

Scorched

Liesl lives in poverty with her father and sells matches to help them survive. One day when she’s out in the streets trying to sell, a man says that he will buy all of her matches if she’ll marry him and come live in his halfway-decent home. She does, and he quickly reveals himself to be a terrible monster. In her miserable state, her pyromaniac instincts surface and reveal themselves. Her only companion is a cockroach named Scoots. One day, she sets the house on fire, killing her abusive husband. She narrowly escapes, with her eyebrows burned off, but that somehow makes her even prettier. She takes on a new identity and catches the eye of a prince. She becomes his third-favorite mistress.

Next in development, over 50 years after the original, we’re finally bringing you the sequel you didn’t know you wanted, 

None Hundred and One Dalmatians 

The puppies are back! … As vengeful spirits who bring sorrow wherever they pass. It’s two years after the first 101 Dalmatians, and Cruella de Vil has tried once again to kidnap and turn those puppies we love into a coat. This time she’s succeeded. We pick up one year after their brutal murders. Because of the senselessness of their killings, there is no peace in death for these little scamps, and they roam London as ghosts. Their father Pongo is the only survivor (the titular one Dalmatian) and has become an alcoholic consumed by his quest to avenge his children and wife. Our puppy friends stay by Cruella’s side, day and night, all talking into her ear ceaselessly, driving her to madness. She tries to burn the coat made from their flesh but it does nothing to exorcise the phantoms. Pongo finally tracks down Cruella. Her henchmen try to protect her, but she steps towards the vicious dog, knowing that death is the only way to escape the voices. Pongo rips out her throat before eating a whole chocolate bar, as he has done the only thing left for him to do in this world. The puppies no longer have to roam the earth as specters constantly reliving their final pain.

And lastly, I give to you what we hope will become a new classic,

Hell’s Littlest Angel

Nine-year-old Danny is the son of a mailman in the 1950s. His father is also a serial killer, who has recently been found guilty and executed. His mother wants him to forget his father so they can move on, but he wants his dad at his baseball game! Danny decides to make the trip down to Hell to save his dad. He finds a way in near the old swimming hole where multiple children have died jumping in over the years. In Limbo he encounters a group of cherubic, unbaptized babies who perform a jazzy musical number telling him how he’ll find his father. When he encounters Cerberus, the beast tries to eat him, but Danny rips off the shinbone of one of the skeletal sinners and throws it to distract him. He almost drowns while swimming through the lake of human excrement, but a beautiful young woman who’s down there for having sex before marriage saves him and becomes his companion on the rest of his journey. They sing a song while flesh burns and burns around them. There’s a 45-minute sequence where he fights Satan, but uses his WORDS to end the fight. By the time Danny finally reaches his father, he’s come to realize that maybe his dad isn’t such a great guy, and maybe he belongs right where he is. He realizes that he’s got plenty of people who will cheer for him at his baseball game. He goes home, but not before the Devil himself tells him that if he lands himself back down there at the end of his life, he’ll make him a prince. Twenty years later he returns, makes his lady friend from the previous journey his princess, and they live together surrounded by a burning moat of fecal matter and congealed blood, watching over people being force-fed their own eyeballs for all eternity.

People ask us here at Disney all the time, how do we decide what stories will uphold the integrity of the Disney legacy? How do we know what Walt Disney himself would have wanted to seen made? We have a simple rule to determine what’s right for this company; we ask. Mr. Disney tells us. More specifically, his taxidermy head does, which I happen to have right in this bag. Unfortunately you won’t be able to hear him. He speaks only to me telepathically. Though there aren’t any words, I know exactly what he wants us to do. What he wants me to do. I know. And I will always obey

*SOUND OF SIRENS*

Thank you so much for your time, that’s all. Look out for news of these projects in several months!

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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