What you’ll need: toothpicks, marshmallows, black frosting in a piping bag, candy corn
-Put two marshmallows on a toothpick
-Use your piping tool to draw a face on the top marshmallow, could be a smile, a frown, a horrified scream from the moment he or she was violently murdered, have fun with it!
-Use the frosting to glue on two candy corns in the shape of a bowtie under the face. There you go! What a dapper little party guest!
Bloody Graham Cracker Chair
What you’ll need: graham crackers, raspberry jam, frosting for paste
-Take four graham crackers, and use the frosting to glue two holding up one across them
-Glue the last cracker on top, like the back of a chair
-Once your chair has dried, liberally glop raspberry jam onto the seat of the chair. Now you have a perfect, yummy little representation of your worst fear every time you stood up as a teenager with a highly irregular menstrual cycle!
A Lonely Bat
What you’ll need: Figs, melted chocolate, a bar of Hershey’s dark chocolate, a bar of white chocolate, frosting for paste
-Dip your figs into the melted chocolate so they are completely coated. Let them dry until fully hardened.
-Separate the dark chocolate bar into rectangles, then use a sharp knife to cut each of those rectangles into two triangles
-With the frosting, attach two triangles to each fig’s back, these are their wings
-Cut your white chocolate into very tiny pieces, and attach two of those pieces to the front of each fig. These are their fangs.
-Put all of your fig bats on one plate, excepting one, who goes on her own plate next to that plate, as if she can see them, but can’t join in. If you have time to put in the extra effort, start with five or so bats on the smaller plate, and over the course of the night, gradually move all of them over to the larger plate until there’s only one left. Boy, that is one lonely bat!
Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
What you’ll need: flour, butter, 2 eggs, white sugar, brown sugar, baking soda, vanilla, salt, oatmeal, raisins
-Mix together the sugar, butter, eggs, vanilla, and sugars
-Add the flour, baking soda, and salt and stir well
-Fold in the oatmeal and raisins
-Bake for 10-12 minutes or until brown on top
-Plate them, unlabelled. People will think they’re chocolate chip cookies and feel excited for the near future and the flavors the cookie will bring. When they take the first bite, they’ll be so disappointed. “Such potential,” they’ll say, “what a let down, what a waste of potential and possibilities and now it’s too late to change anything.” Spooky!
What you’ll need: 10 ripe but still firm bananas, multicolored jellybeans, green frosting in a piping bag, black frosting in a piping bag, oreo cookies
-Cut roughly an inch of the banana from both ends, the middle portion you may eat or discard
-Arrange them all on a tray, evenly spaced apart, with the round side up
-Write whatever you’d like on one side of the bananas with the black frosting
-Crumble up the oreo cookies into a fine dust, spread them in a rectangle in front of only one of the tombstones
-For all the other tombstones, use the jellybeans and green frosting to create little bouquets of fresh flowers in front of them
-On the freshly lain oreo-grave, draw a cobweb with the black frosting, and any other touches you think add an air of neglect.
-There you have it, a recently deceased nobody who died alone and meaningless. Looks to me like no one even attended the funeral! And it’s low-calorie too!
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!