Sometimes you get an email and as soon as you see the sender and subject line, you just know what it’s going to say. In fact, you can pretty much respond without even reading that email. You know this; Google knows this. I decided to help things along and provide you with a supply of mostly fool-proof phrases you can use as your auto-response, should you receive any emails with the corresponding subject lines.

Subject: Hi!

Reply: Not drunk enough yet to read this.


Subject: Do you want to talk?

Reply: This e-mail was trashed before it was ever read.


Subject: Just checking in…

Reply: I’m definitely not depressed! Please don’t worry about me! Hahahaaaaaaaaaahhhhh


Subject: Please proof.

Reply: My eyeballs fell out two weeks ago?


Subject: You’re invited!

Reply: I think I’m already committed to something that weekend. I know. It’s a family thing. I’ll check the times and get back to you.


Subject: Notice: Your account is overdrawn

Reply: Diana doesn’t live here.


Subject: Girl’s weekend!

Reply: I’m not waxing for this.


Subject: Your Friends At Jeff Haynes Mazda AutoWorld Have Deals For You!!

Reply: I plan to drive my Toyota for at least another 100,000 miles.


Subject: Cute dog video!

Reply: Thanks for sharing, Dad! Love you!


Subject: Read this Bible passage.

Reply: Thanks for sharing, Mom! Love you!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!