You’ve all heard that phrase “Heaven on Earth.” Well, as a resident of Heaven, I can say the converse is true up here – “Earth on Heaven.” I can only assume that makes little sense to you so let me explain. Whenever someone with a cool job (e.g. sports, entertainment) dies, people still on Earth say stuff like, “[the deceased musician] is playing in God’s band now,” “[that dead comedian] is up there in Heaven killing it in God’s comedy club” or “[the ex-NFL star] is starting on God’s football team.”
Well, let me tell you, those things are all true. God does have a band, a comedy club and sports leagues. But, here’s the crappy part for those of us who didn’t have cool jobs on Earth – God really does expect you to do the same job you did on Earth in Heaven. So, I say, “Earth on Heaven,” because on Earth I was a customer service representative, and now, guess what? I’m working in God’s freaking customer service department! Heaven? Hardly.
I don’t mean to be rude to The Almighty, but this a bunch of B.S. Sure, had I been a great guitar player, I’d want to be in God’s band. But, as a mediocre customer service rep, my idea of Heaven is not being a mediocre customer service rep for all of eternity.
When I thought about what Heaven would be like before I died, it never crossed my mind that I would have a “job job.” I figured at worst I’d spend all my time on my private island in Heaven, drinking those umbrella drinks and, I don’t know, having a great time with friends from college who are also dead or maybe my first love or whatever. Wrong.
Instead, I’m writing this on my lunch break from God’s Customer Service Department. I wear one of those stupid phone headsets and everything.
And, guess what, God’s not even that cool of a boss! We do have coffee in the break room, but Diet Cokes cost 25 cents. Yeah, you’re supposed to leave a quarter in a mug if you take a Diet Coke from the fridge. I should mention that there’s no other type of soda in the fridge. Just Diet Coke. Not even Coke Zero or whatever. Apparently, God’s been hooked on Diet Coke since the 80s so God likes that weird aspartame aftertaste. But, come on, 25 cents… pretty chintzy, God.
God also housed me in God’s Apartment Complex. Not only do I not get a private island, I don’t even get a flipping house! No hardwood floors, either. Plus, I have to pay for Wi-Fi. That’s right, I pay for Wi-Fi. And, get this, God’s Wi-Fi password is “ThouShallNotStealThisWiFi.” Like, come on, God’s gotta be getting WiFi for free or at least at a steep discount, so why am I paying and why does God gotta rub it in about the password? Sometimes I can pull WiFi from the International Space Station — they have an unlocked account, thank God. No wait, don’t thank God!
I do get weekends off, but mostly it sucks. Like, I saved up all this money to see God’s band play but I had really crappy seats. All the good seats were taken by God’s corporate executives. Those fat cats get everything. I wanted to see John Lennon, George Harrison, Jimi Hendrix and Keith Moon jam, but instead God hauled out “God’s cover band.” God gets away with everything. I was supposed to be seeing God’s band, but I guess in the ticket agreement “band” is defined as both God’s regular band and God’s cover band. They must’ve covered Matchbox 20 at least 5 times. And, there’s no point in taking God to Court over the misleading ticket because guess who’s the only judge sitting on the Superior Court of Heaven?
Or, take the time I saw God’s football team play. Great players, don’t get me wrong. Never thought I’d get to see Johnny Unitas play live. But, a Bud Light cost $10.50. Turns out, God’s football league has a cross-licensing deal with Budweiser. That’s Heaven? God’s raking it in off his sports leagues, but God’s charging us regular joes an arm and a leg. And, in case you’re reading this, God, your stadium nachos blow! They skimp on the cheese. Thanks for all the cheapo jalapeños, God, but some more cheese would be nice.
Back when I was on Earth, during my lunch breaks at work I’d think, “If I put up with my humdrum existence – the afterlife – oh, the afterlife will be sweet.” But, here I am on my lunch break in Heaven. I ate my crappy Chicken Tuscan Lean Cuisine and my break is almost over and it’s time to go take some angry phone calls. I can’t blame people for being angry, what with God gouging you for every last penny.
Well, I’m taking one of the Diet Cokes without paying 25 cents. Oh, I’d better not. God sees everything.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!