Bring your own Tofurkey.

Meat substitutes are not just a delicious source of protein, but also “a goddamn disgrace.” Dad will sneer at your meal and mutter that God gave us teeth so we could eat meat. Offer him a bite of your soy protein product. Huzzah! You are now officially a “goddamn ungrateful spoiled kid.” You surely gave him the bite to question his manhood. There is no possible way you offered him the tofurkey out of politeness, because everyone knows tofu is the destroyer of masculinity.

Don’t close your eyes when Grandma says grace.

Grandma can sense when your eyes are open. She knows, and so does the lord. Furthermore, she plans on telling her buddy God after dessert what a bawdy heathen you are for leaving your eyes open. Why are your eyes open? So you can see all of the unbridled sin your generation swims in like so much spicy mustard? Follow this up by not saying “Amen” after the grace. What’s next? Drugs? Stealing? Sex with someone of a different race? Nevermind that no one in your immediate family is religious: pretending to be Christian on holidays is the polite thing to do. What would the neighbors think?

Tell Uncle Steve not to call Native Americans, “Indians.”

This is an effective tactic and easily employed. It’s a great way to make Uncle Steve frustrated, and remind everyone how cultured you are. Steve will inevitably grumble, “my Indian friends actually PREFER to being called Indian!” He is now angry enough to be racist, also known as Kramering! Good job! Additionally, this is a great time to naturally bring up the genocide of the Native American people. This can casually evolve into a conversation about genocide over all, and don’t we feel bad for having all of this table full of food when there’s so many people suffering out there? Congratulations, you are pretentious and self righteous! You’re well on your way to ruining Thanksgiving, you vixen!

Eat kale and whole grains in front of your Great Aunt Carol.

Great Aunt Carol only has so many Thanksgivings left, you know. Nevermind that you’ve been a vegetarian for twenty years, you are clearly just being a rebel for the sake of causing a stir. What is kale anyway? Don’t tell Aunt Carol, but it’s probably socialism. Her husband didn’t battle in some war so you could sit around eating raw greens and trying to take away all her guns during Obama’s “global climate scare.”

Apologize to Mom.

Yes, you know Mom slaved away all day on a hot stove just so you could eat vegetables like a goddamn bunny rabbit. Extra points in this one if you tell her that it’s uncomfortable that she called herself a “slave” while being super white.

Disrespect football.

If there is a Football game happening, bring up any of the charges of rape and violence you’ve read about football players in the news. Dad and Cousin Joe just wanted to kick back and watch a ballgame, and you come in here with your stories of concussions? It’s enough to make their heads hurt. If you can tie the conversation to the team named “Redskins,” and genocide, woohoo, you have a callback!

Congratulations! You have now ruined Thanksgiving with your progressive, hippie-dippy, vegetarian, hybrid car, communist bullshit!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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