Your days of trekking all the way down to a fancy schmancy restaurant for a crisp, tangy Caesar salad are over. Follow eHow2Cook’s “5 Easy Steps” and become your own celebrity chef right at home:


¾ cup olive oil

2-3 cloves of garlic

½ cup diced day-old bread

½ cup Please help me!

2 heads of romaine lettuce

½ teaspoon salt

¾ cup I’m being held against my will!

2 coddled eggs

2 tablespoons lemon juice

½ teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce

2-3 This is not a joke!

½ cup grated Parmesan cheese

Step 1: Mince the garlic cloves into ¼ inch pieces. Combine with the olive oil in a small bowl. I interviewed at eHow2Cook headquarters for a telecommuter writing job. Before I knew it, they drugged me. When I came to, I was chained to an ergonomic workstation. Soak 2-3 hours.

Step 2: Blend the Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, and salt in a bowl. Whisk in the coddled egg until evenly combined. They make me write article after article of vapid How-To’s on carrot salads and mango salsa and gingham and table settings. If I refuse, they beat me with a chafing dish. I am in hell. Gently drizzle the garlic oil into the dressing.

Step 3: Dab the bread with olive oil and place on a cookie sheet. Bake for 15 minutes or until golden brown. I got into journalism because I wanted to expose political malfeasance or imbed with an Army “hurt locker”-type crew. Not slave over Tips For Perfect Fondant. I went to Arizona State, for Chrissake. AS-friggin-U! Remove and cool.

Step 4: Separate the Romaine leaves. Spritz with cold water and clean with a vegetable scrubber. Please, I’m begging you; send a message to my wife, or the police, or the Food Netw– Shhhhh! Someone’s coming. Act natural and dry with a kitchen towel.

Step 5: Toss the Romaine leaves and dressing in a large salad bowl. Lightly sprinkle in the Parmesan cheese. They’re onto me, man. The guy with the glasses has been down here, like, twice. That dude never shows up unless they’re about to “foie gras” somebody. Shit, they’re coming this way. Tell my daughter I love her. Tell her: Be free. BE FREE!!!!

Finish: Serve directly from the salad bowl onto guests’ plates. A perfect dish for baby showers, wedding showers, late brunch, or reeducating workers who don’t conform to the will of eHow2Cook. Never question the will of eHow2Cook. eHow2Cook knows what is best for you. eHow2Cook can teach your loved ones how to beg for mercy in 5 Easy Steps. eHow2Cook is in control. eHow2Cook. Is. Watching. You.

Bon Appétit!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!