After four dark months I’ve finally recovered from the coma induced by Ellen’s Oscar Selfie. I still can’t believe how awesome that was/she is/they all are. I mean, for a second there I felt like I was a celebrity. Remember when Ellen asked, “Hey, Lupita, you want some pizza?” How fucking great was that? Do you think she wrote it? God, it almost rhymed it was just like, like, it really felt like they were just like us. You know what I mean? Just sitting around, eating the pizza and watching the Oscars. I’ll admit it was a bit confusing when Julia Roberts grabbed the wrong end of the pizza, but still, she acted like she wanted a slice-and she did it so well you could hardly even tell even if she didn’t really want it. I bet if a street vendor rolled down the aisle with some smoking street meat they’d act the same way, they’d eat that meat, you’d never know the difference they’re so fucking talented and brave and inspirational and alive and generous.

When I finally woke up, Ellen’s Oscar Selfie was obviously the first thing on my mind. I read a few old periodicals mixed in the closet with my other possessions. It was just as I remembered—a totally selfless act, all the celebs dropped their serious façade and showed us who they really are—pizza eating, Selfie taking, kind generous totally humble individuals—just regular people. Oh and by the way The Selfie was taken for charity. I couldn’t believe it, I almost went back under—the “starriest photo ever” raised one dollar for every retweet, and that’s like three million bucks, donated by Samsung, and the Sung CEO said it didn’t even have anything to do with advertising or public relations or any selfish stuff like that, just humble charity. I’ll tell you something too, one of those charitable dollars, oh yes, chalk that G-W up to this guy right here. I retweeted the shit out of that photo. It filled my whole timeline, all my followers were doing the same thing, all the people I follow were retweeting it, it was like a flood of awesome—their beautiful smiling faces popping up everywhere for hours and hours. Like Ellen even said, “Best photo ever,” and yeah seriously—imagine if Bradley’s arm was longer. My head would have surely exploded, the frame is already packed with so many A-Listers any more might have just killed me. Did you see Jared Leto’s face? Oh my god, him and Kevin Spacey totally photobombed it. How happy does Meryl Streep look, it was her first tweet ever—can you even believe it? She looks like she just won the Oscar for greatest human achievement by an actor or actress in an inward facing telephone photograph. She was so brave. So generous.

Ellen’s timeless frame, consisting only of A-List Celebrity Faces, absolutely blows away that photo of V-E Day in Times Square. The one with the soldier kissing the nurse and the ticker tape falling down to signify the fall of the Third Reich–you probably haven’t heard of it. I mean, how many retweets did it get? I doubt hardly many at all, I had to look it up to be honest, I just googled, “Second Best Picture Ever,” and of course there it was. The other thing is it didn’t really raise a lot of money for charity, like, the people in that picture are just kind of there for themselves whereas the celebs in Ellen’s picture are posing for others, they’re in the photo not to be seen or get more publicity but to help the children at Saint Jude’s and I believe that’s something we all can aspire to–that generosity.

While I have regained consciousness I still can’t grasp the total significance of Ellen’s Oscar Selfie. It may take another four months of contemplation and even then how can a regular person like yrs truly expect to understand the inspiration behind such a selfless human act? I just find myself wondering what would have happened if Bradley’s arm was longer? And maybe wishing they’d thought to ask someone else to snap the picture from further away so that even more celebrities could have fit into the frame. But that probably wouldn’t have raised as much money for charity—I’m sure they had a totally selfless reason for choosing Bradley’s arm to turn the camera inward.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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