Excerpts from the Diary of Mitt Romney’s Bedroom Walls
By
February 11, 2013

November 7th, 2012:

The dwarves were sent home early tonight. Not that this was surprising considering the governor’s dour spirits (something that should have been obvious from how few dwarves he ordered in the first place). It’s depressing seeing the man this way. Things got worse when he took out the framed picture of Bertha again. Of course, he immediately began wailing uncontrollably. He was inconsolable for hours. God he loved that bunny.

Eventually Ann came home. God only knows what debaucherous activities had kept her out until 3:00 a.m. Nevertheless, I was grateful for it. She gave him a spoonful of children’s Tylenol and he was asleep minutes later. I just wish for once the woman could show some self-restraint and not draw a dick on his face.

November 11th, 2012:

The governor finally seems to be recovering a bit. This morning he hit the snooze button on his Hello Kitty™ alarm clock only three times before getting out of bed. He managed to get ready for the day and out of the house with little assistance from the Bolivians. I know he only hired them to help out through campaign season, but I hope he keeps them around. They’ve been a big help. Plus they only cost eggs per day.

Around 2:30 p.m., Karl Rove climbed in through the bay window again. I’m still not sure how he manages to scale the thirty feet of stone to get in here. In any event, he stole another candelabra. Then he just dove out the window. Seriously, I don’t understand how he does that. He must have been trained by ninjas or something.

December 2nd, 2012:

A setback today. The dwarves were in the middle of putting on a stage version of Finding Nemo (which the governor seemed to be thoroughly enjoying), when Tagg burst into the room covered in blood and holding an ax. He quickly explained that the clones had taken up arms and were terrorizing the neighbors. All of the governor’s good spirits seemed to dissipate as he grabbed his favorite Nerf™ gun and followed Tagg out into the night.

The dwarves were instructed to stay put, so they decided to rehearse scenes from Henry VIII for the upcoming Shakespeare festival. This helped put my mind at ease while the governor was away, but then Ann showed up. The dwarves protested, but were subdued by her terrible gaze and her muscular thighs. The orgy lasted two hours.

December 26th, 2012:

Kwanzaa celebrations have begun in full effect. For the first time since the election, I think Mitt is in a good place. Though most of the festivities are taking place downstairs, twice the governor has burst through the doors being chased by one of his beautiful grandchildren (in both instances he successfully avoided being pelted by their cherry tomatoes and promptly sprayed them with neon pink paint, as is the Kwanzaa tradition).

As night fell, Mitt donned his Batman PJs and fell asleep listening to the dulcet tones of Morgan Freeman narrating the latest in a series of whale biographies. It felt good to see the man finally at peace.

Then Ann came in and drew a dick on his face.


CARTOONS
Capture
Hangin' in There-71 mini

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!