“Yeah, boarding must’ve been crazy, it was really big boat. I mean we’re currently on a bigger boat, but whatever… Where’s the diamond?” 

“Cool, I know you didn’t jump off the boat and die because we’re currently talking. Why are you trying to create suspense for this? Where’s the diamond?”  

“Oh, wow, poor people know how to party and rich people don’t? Color me shocked. I bet everyone in steerage hated you. Where’s the diamond?” 

“I get being on the front of the boat was like flying. No, no, no, no I get that it was like flying, magical. You were seventeen, not nine. Where’s the diamond?” 

“Finally, something about the diamond! Everybody here, including your granddaughter, did not need to know you were wearing it during the ‘most erotic moment’ of your 101-year-old life, but thanks for moving in the right direction. Please, go on.” 

“Whoa, in the back of a car? How was that not more erotic than being sketched? Where was the diamond during all this?” 

“I can’t believe Jack – by the way, I remember his name is ‘Jack’ because you say it constantly – was accused of stealing the diamond. So, it was in your cabin until the boat sank? Should we look there, again?” 

“The rest of this is a matter of historical record. I’ve spent years and millions of dollars to find this boat on the bottom of the ocean. I think I know how it sank. One of my nerds even explained it using advanced computer graphics, prompting you to tell this whole story in the first place. WHERE’S THE DIAMOND?” 

“Blah, blah, blah, clumsy with a hatchet. Blah, blah, blah, how’s her granddaughter never heard this? Blah, blah, blah, diamond?” 

“The granddaughter is kind of cute. Maybe, I can jokingly be like, ‘Hey, we should make out, that’d be hilarious,’ because randomly making out is always so funny. If she says, ‘No,’ then my feelings can’t be hurt because I was, like, only kidding. Is she looking over here? No? Doesn’t bother me. Actually, she might know where the diamond is.” 

“Wait, you were almost off and then you got back on? Holy shit, she’s insane. This entire thing could be a delusion. Hold on, did she say ‘diamond?’ No, it was ‘dying,’ I guess a lot of people were doing that when the boat sank. What insight…”  

“Not that I care about a two-day fling you had when you were an angsty teen – I don’t – but you definitely didn’t try hard enough to get Jack on that door. I know there’s an issue with buoyancy and you both would’ve frozen, but you didn’t, and don’t know that, and you could’ve tried a little harder. I have no reason to believe that I’ll ever see this diamond, and now I kind of hate an old woman. Thanks.” 

“Well, that’s a little over three hours that I won’t get back. Even if I were to find out in the next five to ten minutes I wouldn’t even care. You broke my spirit, Rose. I’m done with the treasure huntin‘ game. Time to go back to twister chasing! Almost killed myself the last time I did it, too. F5, Finger of God. It’s more action-packed than listening to some lady spin a go-nowhere yarn, that’s for sure. I’m booking the next flight to Oklahoma, flirty fight with my ex-wife! Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do… Fuck the diamond. Throw that shit in the ocean for all I care.” 



The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!