The Higgs Weldon

FICTION

  • Hated Automated, May 12, 2017
  • Garfield Yucks It Up In Analysis, May 8, 2017
  • Two Foxes: A Fable, May 1, 2017
  • Say No To King Tutankhamun! #NotMyPharaoh, April 27, 2017
  • If I See Ricky’s Ex, I Will Kill That Bitch, April 21, 2017
  • When The Time Travelers Arrive, April 20, 2017
  • Tristan’s Mom Helen is Running for PTA President, April 19, 2017
  • Boss Baby: United Airlines CEO, April 18, 2017
  • Seriously, No Joke, This Is A Message In A Bottle, April 11, 2017
  • 5 Stories Even Shorter and Better Than Hemingway’s, April 10, 2017
  • The Times Sherlock Holmes Ruined Watson’s Relationships, April 7, 2017
  • As a 4-Year-Old, I’m Pretty Damn Sick of Hearing You Use the Phrase “As a Mother…”, April 6, 2017
  • I Fell In Love With An Apple Because I Want To Be Cool On The Internet, April 3, 2017
  • Chill Dude, It’s Just the End of the World, March 29, 2017
  • Thank You For Not Pointing Out That I’m On Fire, March 27, 2017
  • I Almost Forgot To Thank Members Of The Academy, March 24, 2017
  • I’m Paying For This Luncheon And There’s Nothing You Can Do About It, March 22, 2017
  • Excuse Me?, March 21, 2017
  • Whopper, Jr. Has A Breakthrough In Therapy, March 20, 2017
  • Excerpts From The Woke Joke Book, March 15, 2017
  • Hey! You There. Would You Like to Buy a Roller Coaster from Me, a Guy on the Street?, March 13, 2017
  • A SOOTHSAYER TOLD ME THE EXACT DAY I WILL DIE, March 8, 2017
  • I Am A Highway Who Has Not Yet Been Adopted, March 3, 2017
  • I Saw Her Across The Bar And Knew She Was The One I Would Spend The Rest Of My Night Getting Rejected By, March 2, 2017
  • We’re Pregnant!, March 1, 2017
  • Dear Annie: My Wife Is Sleeping With Sasquatch, February 24, 2017
  • Quick Question For A Fitness Professional, February 23, 2017
  • Dad Seeks Friend to Appreciate His References to Song Lyrics and Indulge His Persistent Reflections on the Meaninglessness of Human Existence, February 22, 2017
  • My Brother’s Ghost, February 20, 2017
  • You Think You’ve Got It Hard? Meet the 3-Legged-Dog I Sent To Buy Me Beer, February 17, 2017
  • Actually, Snakes Are More Afraid of What They Could Do to You Than You Are of Them, February 15, 2017
  • Cyrano de Dating App, February 13, 2017
  • How Come My Imaginary Friend Blimpychimp Won’t Fuck Me?, February 10, 2017
  • The Ocean Front Property I Purchased In Montana Appears To Be A Hoax, February 6, 2017
  • A Scene from TombMates, a Sitcom About a Mummy & a Vampire Sharing an Apartment, February 1, 2017
  • When I Grow Up I Want to Be a Content Producer Like My Dad, January 18, 2017
  • Toast, January 17, 2017
  • Brian Brown, January 16, 2017
  • Sincerely Yours, You Sorry Son of a Bitch, January 13, 2017
  • Don’t Make Me Pull This Car Over! Because If I Do Or Go Under 50mph It Will Explode!, January 11, 2017
  • A New Yoda?, January 10, 2017
  • I Replaced All My Family Photos With Photos of Jamie Lee Curtis and Now We’re All Hooked On Activia!, January 5, 2017
  • A Column Written By God For NewYorkTimes.com, December 23, 2016
  • Letter From a Dead White Man: “I’m Sorry”, December 15, 2016
  • Shelly Perlstein’s Letter To The Walkerville School Board RE: Today’s ‘Magic’ School Bus Field Trip, December 13, 2016
  • Writer’s Workshop Bootcamp Week 7, November 30, 2016
  • A Once In A Lifetime Opportunity With Me: A Famous Celebrity, November 14, 2016
  • You Would Not Have Been My First Choice of Companion for this Rocket Trip Into the Sun, November 10, 2016
  • A Halftime Speech from a Football Coach Who Is a 9/11 Truther, November 9, 2016
  • Something Completely Awful Needs to Happen So I Can Buy Property Here, November 3, 2016
  • A Perfect Morning Hike with My Future Wife, October 26, 2016
  • The Perfect Cleaner, October 21, 2016
  • Don’t Blow That Horn!, October 11, 2016
  • You Are Ruining My Life, Mom. And Not In The Fun Way., September 19, 2016
  • Remembering the Good Ol’ Days, When I Was an IHOP, September 15, 2016
  • Rejection Letter from True Love, September 8, 2016
  • If You Ever Wake Me Up Before My Alarm Goes Off Again, I Will Have No Choice But to Turn You into an Undead Pinion in My Mechanism for World Domination, September 7, 2016
  • Monotheism Makes God A Tad Bitter, September 6, 2016
  • Letter From Dad, August 29, 2016
  • Attn: Dole Salad Kit Quality Control, August 26, 2016
  • I Ate Poison for a Month: This Is What It Did to My Body, August 17, 2016
  • Avocado + Toast = Avocado Toast: A Memoir Part 2?, August 15, 2016
  • A Comedy “Piece” By A Writer Who Just Switched Places With His Dad After They Were Simultaneously Struck By Lightning, August 8, 2016
  • Dear Matt, The Ghost Who Ghost Texted Me, August 5, 2016
  • Thursday Night Memoirs, August 4, 2016
  • Born to Account, July 21, 2016
  • Message in a Bottle, July 18, 2016
  • My Wife Is Cheating on Me with Steve Buscemi and Definitely Not My Neighbor Ted, July 14, 2016
  • Voice-Over from a Burger King Whopper Ad Made by Ken Burns, July 12, 2016
  • This Can’t Be Right, July 7, 2016
  • Wishing For A Washer, July 1, 2016
  • I Could Be Wrong Here, But Is This Stakeout Really Necessary?, June 28, 2016
  • Rock N Roll Universe, June 22, 2016
  • I Leaned in So Hard I Fell into a Different Dimension, June 21, 2016
  • My Blog Is Tanking – Can I Borrow Your Baby?, June 16, 2016
  • I’m Sorry to Hear She Left You, but Put Something Good On, June 10, 2016
  • Letter to the District, June 8, 2016
  • Amazon Reviews From Your Friend Who is Doing Fine, Thank You, May 27, 2016
  • True Life: My Parents Ran My Facebook Account for the First 5 Years of My Life, and Kept It a Secret from Me, May 23, 2016
  • My Interview with Patrick Stewart, Based on Stephen Marche’s Interview with Megan Fox, May 20, 2016
  • My True Calling Is Managing This Denny’s: A Message from Pope Benedict XVI, May 2, 2016
  • My 44th Annual Acceptance Speech, April 14, 2016
  • True Memoirs of a Resume, April 8, 2016
  • B-Sides from the New York Times Vows Section, March 30, 2016
  • Who Put This Boulder in the Middle of the God Damn Office?, March 29, 2016
  • Please Come Back to Our Online Store, March 25, 2016
  • An Angry Letter from That Rock You Kicked, March 16, 2016
  • Thinking Inside the Bubble, March 11, 2016
  • Hey Guys, I Don’t Want to Jump to Conclusions but, Are You Kidnapping Me Right Now?, March 3, 2016
  • Letter to the Guy I Raced in the Parking Lot, March 2, 2016
  • A Moment in the Life of a Double Sneezer, February 29, 2016
  • It’s Game of Thrones Time, Steve, February 26, 2016
  • My Name Is Larry, I am a Cucumber, and I Will Be Your Uber Driver, February 25, 2016
  • Recommendation: Taylor Osnes, February 18, 2016
  • Are You Doing Okay? Because Your Houseplant is Dying, February 16, 2016
  • We Fell in Love in a Focus Group, February 12, 2016
  • Three Brief Tales of Love, February 9, 2016
  • President Eisenhower’s Statement on Opposite Day, February 8, 2016
  • The Walking Shame, February 4, 2016
  • Hey, Sup Guys, February 3, 2016
  • I Left My Umbrella on the Other Side of This Intergalactic Portal and I’d Really Like to Get It Back, January 29, 2016
  • Depression Says What, January 28, 2016
  • The First Vegetarian Tries to Explain Sarcasm, January 22, 2016
  • The Local Weatherman Has Been Staying At My House For 2 Months and Won’t Leave, January 21, 2016
  • Memo Re: Office Thermostat, January 13, 2016
  • I Bought A Subscription To The New Yorker, Bitches!, January 7, 2016
  • Harry Rawlins, Swamp Detective, January 6, 2016
  • The Evil Movie Villain Henchman’s Handbook, January 5, 2016
  • I Followed a Man Home to Find Out More About His Sandwich, January 1, 2016
  • The Last Will and Testament of a ’90s Prop Comic, December 29, 2015
  • ‘Twas the Night Before Chillmas, December 23, 2015
  • I Wrote a Review of ‘The Apartment’ and Totally Brought My Own Baggage to It and You Can Just Deal with It, December 16, 2015
  • James Joyce Drops Four Quarters at the Retro Arcade, December 15, 2015
  • The Secret Diary of an Elf on the Shelf, December 8, 2015
  • Lesser-Known Peanuts TV Specials, December 4, 2015
  • Alternate Ghost Story Endings, December 2, 2015
  • Good Cop, Existential Crisis Cop, November 27, 2015
  • Inflight Passenger Announcements from the Twilight Zone, November 11, 2015
  • “CD Story” Pitch For Pixar, November 2, 2015
  • The Kid From The Shining’s College Application Essay, October 30, 2015
  • How to Survive a Human Attack, October 28, 2015
  • Call Me Lame, But I’d Much Rather Curl Up in Bed and Watch Netflix Than Go Out and Party, or Fight Off That Giant Spider That’s Trying to Steal My Kids, October 27, 2015
  • Confidential HR Memo of the Gods, October 23, 2015
  • Dear Jonathan: A Confession, October 16, 2015
  • Sheriff From Road House Is Called Back From Vacation, October 1, 2015
  • A Series Of Unfortunate, But Not All That Bad Events, September 30, 2015
  • Indiana Jones’ TA, September 29, 2015
  • Come Visit Our Pop-Up Gallery and Marvel at True Art, September 24, 2015
  • Subject: Yaaaassssss, September 21, 2015
  • Karma Counter, September 16, 2015
  • An Open Letter to the Previous Owner of This Used Book, September 9, 2015
  • An Email from the Stomach to the Brain, September 8, 2015
  • Enlightenment: One Subway Ride Away, September 3, 2015
  • The Cast List, September 2, 2015
  • Get Hired Using This One Simple Hack: Clickbait in Your Cover Letter, August 28, 2015
  • 27 Ways to Know Whether or Not the Opossum Who Is Staring at You Is Going to Attack (as Determined by a Bear), August 27, 2015
  • Take as Directed, August 25, 2015
  • Analysis Of Beta-Tested Tinder Profile Reviews, August 20, 2015
  • Cold Calling Jesus, August 18, 2015
  • Your Illuminati Today!, August 14, 2015
  • Deadly Missed Connection, August 13, 2015
  • We are Unable to Process Your Prayer at this Time, August 7, 2015
  • Reflections on Life and Performance Art on the First Anniversary of My Birth, August 6, 2015
  • I Think Our Safe Word is Too Long, August 5, 2015
  • The World Genie Council’s Press Release On No Longer Accepting a Wish for More Wishes, August 3, 2015
  • Being a Superhero in this Utopia Sucks, July 21, 2015
  • Vincent van Gogh’s Diary Entry from the Day After He Cut off His Ear, July 17, 2015
  • Eulogies For The People Who Are Dead To Me, July 9, 2015
  • The Baby and the Bachelor Party, July 3, 2015
  • Spelling Bee Champion, July 2, 2015
  • The Existential Crisis of Wile E. Coyote, June 26, 2015
  • Recipe: David’s a Stupid Fucking Asshole Hockey Puck Burgers, June 24, 2015
  • A Plea From Your Bus Driver, June 18, 2015
  • Stenographer Minutes, June 17, 2015
  • A Kindergartner Responds to “Stop, Drop, and Roll”, June 16, 2015
  • Would You Mind Looking After My Laptop For A Second, Said The Love Of My Life, June 9, 2015
  • The Roast of Notorious Drug Lord El Comandante, June 5, 2015
  • I am a Medicine Cabinet in a Horror Movie, June 2, 2015
  • A Guy Who Runs a Blog About Cats Deals with His Father’s Death the Only Way He Knows How, June 1, 2015
  • Another Birthday Event Thing, May 27, 2015
  • Don’t You Realize I’m an Unbeatable Giant Beast?, May 26, 2015
  • Would You Like Clean Needles for Your Tattoo Today?, May 25, 2015
  • Banana Republic Online Reviews Have Gotten Too Personal, May 21, 2015
  • A Letter from My Future Self, May 15, 2015
  • My Fast and Furious Best Man Speech, May 8, 2015
  • Present-Day Greek Mythology, April 27, 2015
  • The Perfect Morning Ritual, April 23, 2015
  • Streaker for Hire, April 21, 2015
  • I’m Sorry I Didn’t Bring Wirecutters to Our Wedding, April 14, 2015
  • Five Life Hacks From a Billionaire, April 13, 2015
  • Dear Home Depot Hiring Department, I’m a Shape Shifting Lizard Person, April 10, 2015
  • Lullabies for Children Who Have Recurring Nightmares About Steve Buscemi, April 8, 2015
  • The Okapi’s Guide to Online Dating, April 7, 2015
  • Notable Historical Quotes After Advertisers Get a Time Machine, March 30, 2015
  • Our New Designer Is Great. He Is Also a Camel., March 27, 2015
  • Dante’s Inferno According To Technology Use, March 26, 2015
  • Dad, I’m Sorry I Didn’t Get Around to Playing Catch with You After You Came Back as a Ghost to This Baseball Diamond I Built on a Cornfield, March 24, 2015
  • Laurie and Greg Will Never be Proud of You, March 20, 2015
  • 5 Hallmark Cards From Your Grandfather, March 19, 2015
  • St. Patrick’s Day Got the Best of Me Again, March 17, 2015
  • Temporary Assignment Details, March 13, 2015
  • Sexy Pikachu’s Livejournal, Part 2, March 12, 2015
  • What to Expect from Kanye’s Kraft Singles Karaoke Party, March 11, 2015
  • I’m Just Waiting for the Perfect Chance to Fight You Under a Rainbow, March 9, 2015
  • Earth on Heaven, March 6, 2015
  • Sexy Pikachu’s Livejournal, Part 1, March 5, 2015
  • Farewell from a Charter School Kindergarten Teacher, March 3, 2015
  • A Church Sign Writer Submits His 2-Week Notice to His Protégé, February 26, 2015
  • A Friendly Reminder, February 24, 2015
  • Important Staff Memo, February 18, 2015
  • Honored to Be Heather’s Maid… of Honor, February 16, 2015
  • So I Caught a Rattlesnake with My Bare Hands, Now What?, February 11, 2015
  • Your Creative Writing Class Workshops Your Obituary, February 10, 2015
  • I Went to a Comedy Show and What I Saw Was an Outrage, February 6, 2015
  • Government in Action, February 4, 2015
  • Announcement from George R. R. Martin, February 3, 2015
  • Message From Chase Bank, January 30, 2015
  • Book Dedications, January 28, 2015
  • A Washed Up Poet Pays His Utility Bills, January 27, 2015
  • Debt Collection Notice, January 23, 2015
  • If You Thought My First Self-Help Book Had Effective Habits, Get A Load of This Shit, January 21, 2015
  • Let’s Leave the Christmas Lights Up Because, Hey, We’re All Going To Die, January 20, 2015
  • A Confession, January 16, 2015
  • Flat Stanley Copes with Loss: The Final Chapters, January 13, 2015
  • And God Rebrands Heaven…, January 9, 2015
  • Couchdog, January 8, 2015
  • Time to Change Your Password!, December 16, 2014
  • Dale Errywater, World’s Greatest Salesman, Dies at 65, December 9, 2014
  • The Commencement Address of a Speaker Who Realizes He’s Lost His Wallet, December 3, 2014
  • Five Things I Wish I Knew Before I Summoned A Babylonian Demon, December 2, 2014
  • X-Men Fan Fiction Starring Wolverine, King of Claws, December 1, 2014
  • Remind Me to Never Buy Another Sweater, November 25, 2014
  • Five Unread Messages From LoveFindr.com, November 20, 2014
  • Why We Ate Mark, November 12, 2014
  • Going for Stardom, November 11, 2014
  • I’m Enlisting a Team of Heroes to Save the World, November 7, 2014
  • Beauty & The Beast Go Clubbing, November 3, 2014
  • David Foster Wallace Writes a Book for Toddlers, October 29, 2014
  • Eerie Tales to Share in the Night: The Girl in the Green Ribbon, October 24, 2014
  • Landon Donovan’s Gatorade Farewell Ad, October 21, 2014
  • Disney Projects in Development, October 17, 2014
  • Being a Court Jester Is Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be, September 29, 2014
  • Origami Origin Story, September 18, 2014
  • Brought To You By…, September 17, 2014
  • A Letter from the President of the Wenatchee Yachting Club to a Delinquent Member, Who Is a Baby, September 12, 2014
  • Adventures in Shopping at the Larkspur Country Mart, September 9, 2014
  • Why the Chicken Crossed the Road, September 4, 2014
  • The Tale of Robin Hood Reading Ayn Rand, September 3, 2014
  • Before I Invent My Own Island on Wikipedia, August 26, 2014
  • NSA University Alumni News, August 21, 2014
  • Memo to City Employees, August 19, 2014
  • Notice from the Mayor’s Office, August 15, 2014
  • Different Paths, August 12, 2014
  • An Insurance Claim Letter Addressed to a Traveling Salesman, August 4, 2014
  • Wormhole Waterslide, July 22, 2014
  • To All Employees, July 21, 2014
  • The Cast of a SyFy Movie Go to the DMV, July 17, 2014
  • Passive Aggressive Notes I Wrote to My Noisy Neighbors as the Raccoon They Keep Yelling About, June 27, 2014
  • Jenna Styles Ponders College, June 24, 2014
  • Abandoned Restaurant, June 10, 2014
  • The Hunchback of Notre Dame Is Interviewed for the First Time but Won’t Discuss His Hunchback, June 4, 2014
  • Comment Card For My Dealer, May 29, 2014
  • If ____ Were Like My Job, May 27, 2014
  • Aggressively Chill, May 20, 2014
  • Simon Bailey Got a New Job!, May 16, 2014
  • The Bugle Tribune: Confidential Memo, May 13, 2014
  • Every Dog Has Her Day, May 5, 2014
  • Passive Aggressive Math Teacher, May 1, 2014
  • Scientific Fiction: The Right Season, April 29, 2014
  • I’m Sick of Your Passive-Aggressive Bullshit, April 25, 2014
  • A Screenplay Written by a Man Who Does Not Understand Standard Screenplay Formatting, April 23, 2014
  • Scientific Fiction: And Chryssipus Laughed, April 3, 2014
  • A Deal with the Devil (and an Idiot), April 2, 2014
  • A Letter to Peanut, March 26, 2014
  • Cheryl Major, March 20, 2014
  • Dinner with Socrates, March 5, 2014
  • Re: I Have Just Taken a Bunch of Online Quizzes and Realized My Life Is a Lie, March 4, 2014
  • 9 Fun Things to Do with a Million Dollars, February 27, 2014
  • 13 Hot Tips for Becoming a Millionaire, February 20, 2014
  • ATTN: Please Stop Stealing Everything, February 13, 2014
  • Unacceptable, Part 22, January 30, 2014
  • Unacceptable, Part 21, January 23, 2014
  • Scientific Fiction: In His Footsteps, January 22, 2014
  • Unacceptable, Part 20, January 16, 2014
  • Roof People, Part 1, January 15, 2014
  • Chupacabra, January 14, 2014
  • Unacceptable, Part 19, January 9, 2014
  • Unacceptable, Part 18, December 26, 2013
  • Scientific Fiction: He Who Wears the Pants, December 23, 2013
  • A Super Lame Christmas Party, December 20, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 17, December 19, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 16, December 12, 2013
  • A Letter to My Parents from Outer Space, December 10, 2013
  • The Inner Monologue of a Doctor Riding a Train, December 9, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 15, December 5, 2013
  • The Movember Diaries, December 2, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 14, November 28, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 13, November 21, 2013
  • Of Course I’m the Protagonist, November 19, 2013
  • Concocted Conversations: Data Imagination, November 18, 2013
  • Paul McCartney Lives in My Attic, November 15, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 12, November 14, 2013
  • Why is Nobody Asking the Obvious Question: Why is Werner Herzog at this Wedding?, November 12, 2013
  • A Message from Nebraska Governor Nicholas Breen, November 7, 2013
  • Kilning Me Softly, November 5, 2013
  • Frankenstein’s Girlfriend, Ch. 1, October 30, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 11, October 24, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 10, October 17, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 9, October 10, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 8, October 3, 2013
  • Speed Date with the Mental Butcher, October 2, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 7, September 26, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 6, September 19, 2013
  • Concocted Conversations: Deathfest, September 16, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 5, September 12, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 4, September 5, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 3, August 29, 2013
  • Free Lance, August 23, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 2, August 22, 2013
  • Boardroom Deathmatch, August 20, 2013
  • Unacceptable, Part 1, August 15, 2013
  • Hardboiled in Hollywood, August 7, 2013
  • A Small Appliance Man, July 30, 2013
  • Concocted Conversations, July 15, 2013
  • Sir Dave of the White Collar, July 10, 2013
  • Adam (Age 10) Leaves the Garden of Eden, July 9, 2013
  • Hardboiled in Hollywood, July 3, 2013
  • Concocted Conversations, June 17, 2013
  • Minutes from the 534 E Call Street Book Club, June 14, 2013
  • Hardboiled in Hollywood, June 5, 2013
  • Slow Motion, May 31, 2013
  • Carl the Speedy Eskimo, May 28, 2013
  • Letter to My Teenage Self, May 21, 2013
  • Concocted Conversations, May 20, 2013
  • Wasted Youth, May 10, 2013
  • The Inventor, March 29, 2013
  • Family Time at The Apocalypse, March 27, 2013
  • My Personal Testimony of the Slippery Slope of Gay Marriage, March 21, 2013
  • Top 9 The Hobbit Fanfictions by Lewis Sequeira, March 13, 2013
  • Advice to My 20-Year-Old Self from My 40-Year-Old Self Thanks to the Wonders of Time Travel, March 7, 2013
  • NYC Tour, February 25, 2013
  • Teeing Off with the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World, February 13, 2013
  • Reasons I Like You, February 6, 2013
  • Bleeding Ophelia, January 23, 2013
  • The Day the Snow Stopped Falling, January 14, 2013
  • Actual Lies, January 5, 2013
  • A Traditional Upbringing, January 5, 2013
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