From the desk of
Douglas Griffin, CEO
Griffin Pharmaceuticals and Energy Drinks

Life is full of inconveniences. Far too often we just tolerate them instead of doing something about it.

And I know, you’re probably thinking, “Hey, Douglas, how could your life possibly be inconvenient?” And yes, as a billionaire, I do have my fair share of perks. I get to use the Rich People Internet. I can go to Secret Disneyland. I can have sex with the president any time I want.

But I’m here to tell you, no matter how much money you have, life always finds a way to throw a hurdle in your path. In that spirit, I’d like to share five of my favorite Life Hacks with you.

Long lines at the airport? Build your own airport. 

You know why it’s called “Jet Blue Airlines?” All that waiting makes you go blue in the face with anger. That’s why I decided to just skip the lines and build my own airport, with a fleet of Boeing 777s that only I can use. Once I did that, my wait times at the airport went down significantly. And I can bring all the shampoo I want.

Bonus life hack: To make it seem even faster, fill your airport with celebrities to cheer you on as you breeze through the terminal. Who’s that handsome man giving you a thumbs-up by the Auntie Anne’s? Why, it’s Hollywood actor Bradley Cooper. 

Dessert makes you feel guilty? Eat dessert that gives you compliments.

There’s nothing I love more than a delicious red velvet cupcake prepared by Bobby Flay at his steak house that I recently had transported to the grounds of my estate. But if you’re anything like me, splurging can leave you feeling bad about yourself. How do I short circuit those negative thought patterns? With positive reinforcement… from the food itself!

Just call up the underground cryogenetics lab on the grounds of your estate and have your personal geneticist invent food that can talk, and then train the food to give you encouraging messages right before you eat it. Now you can enjoy a cupcake that says things like, “Heyyyyy, lookin’ trim there, chief.” Maybe even in the voice of Hollywood actor Bradley Cooper.

Don’t have enough hours in the day? Make some more.

No matter what you do, some days it seems like there’s just never enough time to get everything done. That’s how I was, until I realized it was possible to control the speed of the Earth’s rotation.

Hire the Army Corps of Engineers to build you some planetary-sized booster rockets that can slow down or speed up the Earth according to your needs. You can have a day 1,200 hours long. You can have a year that’s only six seconds. You can make every day Hollywood actor Bradley Cooper’s birthday. The world is your oyster.

Can’t get that last bit of peanut butter out of the jar?

Actually, this is one of those things not even we billionaires have figured out. You’ll just have to learn to live with it. Sorry :(

Money woes stressing you out? Remember: you have a billion dollars.

Before was a billionaire, I used to worry about money. There were days when I couldn’t even afford cable. (Now, of course, I can just hire real Hollywood Actors come to my estate and perform skits. Like the handsome actor who stole your hearts in The Hangover, Justin Bartha.)

But after many years of stressing myself out, and after amassing a Forbes magazine-sized fortune, I learned to stop worrying and be happy with what I have. Which is, 3.7 billion dollars stowed away the First National Bank of the Bahamas.

Don’t let life pass you by. Go hang gliding with your pterodactyl!

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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