Dear Mr. Hansson:

Kindly do not consider me for this position. Your foul personality and an obvious office-wide dysfunction are two primary factors in my decision.    

Let me enumerate. No matter how much you feel that POWER POINT EXPERTISE IS ESSENTIAL, you should not have put it in all caps. Upon reading, I realized that my intrapersonal skills would be underappreciated. In my experience, people who write in all caps are crazy uncles, comedy writers satirizing crazy uncles, and you.

Furthermore, you state in your listing: “if you are not qualified, don’t waste our time” and “we expect people to work hard.” That you feel the need to get annoyed in advance of even receiving applications set off alarm bells in my head. A word of advice: at least get to the interview before people figure out you’re an asshole.

Also, you broadcast your previous mistakes in a transparent manner. For example, your references to ‘nose-pickers’ in the listing (doesn’t matter that you’re “con” nose-pickers) were just too weird. Or mentioning that plagiarism in the application is frowned upon; it made it clear someone had fooled you recently. It’s pathetic, sir.  

Another note: crazy obsessive details made me certain I was not a good fit. Specifying a font for the cover letter, or emphasizing that shorts are not tolerated in an office environment, or referencing cameras that watch employees in case someone wants to take drugs? I immediately decided against applying.  

When you rewrite your listing, steer clear of these dead tells:

 “You’re expected to stay at least a year if hired.” Uh-oh, why is this an issue?

“We’re a work-hard, play-hard office,” means new hires will be expected to keep the hours of a workaholic and an alcoholic.

“No drama” or “drama-free space” means 100% the opposite.

“An exciting opportunity” is code for “we don’t pay shit.”

“Able to handle multiple deadlines, heavy workload and high-stress situations” is refreshingly straightforward: at this company, burnout is a feature, not a bug.

In sum, please keep your distance. While I may be qualified for this role, I absolutely do not want to discuss my qualifications with you in further detail. And, no, I am not impressed that your office has a Keurig. 

Sincerely,
Jenna McBongle

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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