Gary’s Easy 10 Step Guide to Home Ownership for Women
By
November 1, 2017

Hey Ladies, Gary here, you’re local HVAC technician. I bought my first home before I was 30 so I know that I can help you make your dreams of homeownership real. Once you graduate college, preferably in a STEM field, just follow these simple steps.

1. When you apply to jobs use a gender neutral name. Is your name Melissa? Shorten it to Mel. Or maybe look to some of your favourite ESPN hosts for some easy to pronounce names.

2. For the phone interview, try to lower your voice or invest in a voice changer app. Avoid nasal fry or raising your voice at the end of sentences.

3. At the in-person interview, be sure to cut your hair short, keep your voice low and wear a nice suit. Do not cross your legs. Keep a nice spread so that you take up space. And remember, no make-up. Unless it’s some contouring to help chisel that jaw line. I’ve done it on occasion and there’s nothing wrong it.

4. During salary negotiations, have your dad, brother or another trusted male, read over your offer. Men are expert negotiators so you should be able to get an extra 20% on your salary.

5. Budget Budget Budget – Saving for a house takes sacrifices. Do not waste money on luxuries such as make-up or tampons. Reduce spending by only buying men’s dry clean only shirts and maintaining your short hair cut at a barber shop.

6. At work, try to fit in by throwing in a sexist joke or two for good measure. Pretty soon you’ll be on your way to a raise unless you want children….

7. If you want to have children, find a surrogate. If you can’t find a surrogate and do get pregnant, it’s not 1978, you can’t be fired for being pregnant. But just to be safe, eat a lot of donuts so that the weight gain is evenly distributed and you can pretend you aren’t pregnant. Being pregnant at the office sends the wrong message. Higher ups will assume you are no longer interested in a career and you will never be promoted again.

8. When it comes time to have the baby, say you having gastric bypass surgery due to this sudden weight gain. Use those 6 weeks to work-out and shed that baby weight; after all, those 6 weeks are pretty much an extended holiday.

9. Become a single parent and work out a custody agreement so you only have them every other weekend. Not only is childcare pricey, you can’t be leaving work to pick them up from school or take them to the doctor, you’ve got a job.

10. When it comes time to negotiate your mortgage, hopefully you’ve already legally changed your name to your male persona and completed gender reassignment surgery. If not, bring a few white men you know along to do the talking.

Congratulations on successfully saving and buying your first home. I knew you could it by just being you and working hard. You’re welcome!

 

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


CARTOONS

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!