DISCLAIMER: Yes, my parents did my laundry for me as a birthday present. Only a monster would satirize the carrying out of such a generous gift. The following is an entirely true account of the events that took place the week before my birthday.
Friday, February 12th
1:02 PM: Parents take my laundry. It is agreed upon that when we have dinner the following Wednesday night, I will take my laundry back from them. I thank them profusely.
Saturday, February 13th
10:04 AM: Dad calls to tell me that my laundry is not done yet.
10:23 AM: Mom calls. She tells me to call Dad, since he had something to tell me. I ask if it is about my laundry. She says she does not know.
10:26 AM: Call Dad. He tells me that my laundry is not done yet.
Sunday, February 14th
11:00 AM: Two missed calls from Dad. Return his call. My brother can’t do Wednesday night. Must reschedule to Thursday. Dad then says he does not know how to get me my laundry. I suggest Thursday night. Dad says, “I guess that could work.”
2:14 PM: Receive text from Mom that reads:
“Dinner changed to Thurs. – u speak w Dad about laundry?”
8:03 PM: Dad calls to tell me that my laundry is not done yet.
Monday, February 15th
12:38 PM: Receive an email from Dad that reads:
DINNER WILL BE LATE ON THURSDAY! WANT TO COME OVER TOMORROW NIGHT AND PICK UP YOUR LAUNDRY??????
1:14 PM: Reply to Dad’s email with the following:
Hey, Dad! A late dinner is totally fine. Since you live a little too far, it’ll be easier to just stick to the plan of getting my laundry on Thursday! Sorry!!! I will see you then!
7:41 PM: Receive a missed call from Dad. Return his call. He does not answer.
9:02 PM: Receive a text message from Mom:
“call UR dad back!”
9:17 PM: Call Dad. He answers. I ask him why he called. He asks me why I didn’t leave a message. I tell him I thought he would see my missed call. He says he still doesn’t see why that means I couldn’t leave a message. I ask him why he called. He informs me that my laundry will be ready by Thursday night.
Tuesday, February 16th
4:16 PM: Mom calls. It is her and Dad on speaker phone. They want to make sure that when I get my laundry back, I will put it away and I won’t leave it in my car to “rot.” I assure them that it will be properly taken care of. They both inform me that it is not done yet.
6:47 PM: Receive a text message from Mom that reads:
“U want to give any of these clothes to charity?”
6:48 PM: Reply to my mother’s text message with the following:
Since those clothes are dirty I probably wear them a lot so not those clothes, but I have some at home that I can definitely donate!
8:04 PM: Receive a text message from Mom that reads:
I gave away 4 bags of clothes this past week. Really feels good to do. You should think about doing it!
Wednesday, February 17th
2:54 PM: Dad calls. Invites me to meet up for dinner. I tell him that he had previously rescheduled dinner to Thursday. He replies that this is a last minute meal. I tell him that I can’t, since we had already changed it. He tells me it’s a shame. He tells me my laundry is not done.
Thursday, February 18th
9:08 AM: Wake up to 3 voicemails from Dad. Call him back. He asks me if I listened to his voicemails. I tell him I did not. He tells me he was calling to remind me to make room in my car for my laundry. I ask where dinner will be. He doesn’t know yet.
11:10 AM: Receive an email from Dad with a picture attached. Open the picture. It is of my clean laundry.
11:41 AM: Receive a call from Dad. He explains that I will need to make at least two trips into my apartment with my laundry. He asks me if I am prepared to do so. I assure him that I am.
12:32 PM: Receive a text message from Mom that reads:
“How about Cafe 101?”
12:33 PM: Reply to Mom:
“Sure, sounds great!”
12:37 PM: Receive an email from Dad with a picture attached. Open the attachment. It is a picture of my laundry from a different angle.
2:13 PM: Receive a text message from Mom that reads:
“How about Swingers?”
2:19 PM: Reply to Mom:
“Just tell me where to meet you!”
8:04 PM: Receive a call from Dad. He tells me to meet at Cafe 101 at 10:30 pm.
10:33 PM: Meet my parents at Cafe 101. Have a lovely meal where we connect both as family members and as people. Gossip about relatives, receive invaluable life advice, share multiple dishes, laugh frequently. Ask my father if he wants to go out to my car and transfer the laundry to my trunk. He tells me he forgot my laundry at home.
Three days later and after numerous phone calls and emails, my father drops my laundry off at my work.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!