Friends and family,
Thank you so much for taking the time to click the link you saw on my Facebook or if all goes as planned on local news and then national news platforms, possibly BuzzFeed, we are trying to go viral!
As you may have heard, my thickset four-year-old Greta has fallen into the snake pit that I dug in my backyard and subsequently filled with snakes, so please contribute to this GoFundMe so that we may rescue her promptly. There are many types of snakes in the pit, including copperheads, rattlers, and the very venomous python. I do not know much more about the snakes. There are many kinds, and on summer nights when you gaze into the pit whilst the sun descends beyond the horizon, they glow with brilliant colors.
There is very little time. My friend who is an expert on snakes says that she has four to seven seconds before one of the upwards of six hundred snakes bites her, most likely on her bottom. Greta has always been stocky and I am unaware if this attracts snakes any more than a sleek bottom. But my Greta is beautiful, no matter if she attracts snakes.
Greta was playing near the snake pit, which I have warned her mother to warn her not to do. Her mother does not live with us, so she may have thought I was joking, as I have not told her about the snake pit. I was worried about the questions she would ask, such as “why?” or “when?” or “what if our heavy daughter falls into this pit of snakes?”
Give as much as you can as fast as you can. It has been twenty-three minutes since I began to set up this GoFundMe, and Greta has certainly been bitten six to seven times by now per snake. My friend who is an expert on snakes tells me that snakes bite continuously if given easy prey, which we have done by allowing my large child to remain in the snake pit. I did not know that he was a snake expert until this tragedy, which happened while he was over for a barbecue that only he decided to attend. He would have been helpful in construction of the pit. You can’t win them all.
So please, give all you can. We are requesting $10,000 to commence retrieving Greta from the snake pit, which will require one, maybe two strong men. My arms have not been the same since constructing the snake pit, which was a strenuous task, and as I have mentioned, Greta is a large child. Rewards include my thanks in an email, my thanks in a text message, my thanks in a hand-written note, and a single snake from the pit (contributors over $1000 only). We do have a stretch goal of $40,000, which will cover Greta’s medical bills if we cannot retrieve her from the snake pit in time. In this case, contributors will receive my ex-wife’s phone number and the chance to let her know that her daughter has survived the snake pit.
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