Government Secrets
By
February 4, 2014

In the interest of transparency, the government has been releasing documents debunking myths and providing new realizations about our country’s past. I scoured hundreds of pages of government information to find the previously kept secrets of our highest agencies. Read on, and be prepared for the truth.

In the 1960s, the government experimented with marijuana and its possibilities as a chemical weapon. While they found no military purpose, they did find it to be “super fucking chill.” Of the substance, Lyndon B. Johnson is on record saying, “This shit is dank.

William Howard Taft was actually the seven smallest members of the Republican Party stuffed into a silicon body suit.

It turns out the story we’ve been told about JFK’s death is a lie. The actual story: Jackie was explaining the plot of Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo to the president when his brain blew out the back of his head, hence the phrase “mind-blowing.” This was due to Kennedy’s being birthed in a lab by the lizard people, thus the soft spot on the back of his head was never properly developed.

Elvis Presley was in fact Satan, the Lord of the Underworld. But due to contracts with the record companies, the government had no choice but to allow him to stay and live out his day, until 1977, when the CIA was finally fed up with his theatrics and replaced his toilet water with holy water, killing his human shell.

George W. Bush was watching the Denzel Washington/Clive Owen thriller Inside Man the morning of the 9/11 attacks. Breakdowns in the communication chain led many to interpret this as the attacks being an inside job by Bush. To this day, the former president still doesn’t understand the end of the movie.

The first moon landing was, in fact, staged. When the astronauts landed, they all got “super freaked out” by the moon’s surface, so they had to tape a fake landing inside the shuttle. Thankfully, Buzz Aldrin is a special FX/CGI fanatic and always has a green screen on his person.

The American Revolution never really happened. When the Puritans left England, nobody really even noticed anyone had left. But when our Founding Fathers started the country, they decided that was “super boring” and that we needed a “cooler origin story, like Greenland or The Wolverine.”

But I’ve saved the most shocking realization for last. Many believe that the world is run by secret societies, such as the Illuminati or Freemasons. These people are half right. The world is run by a secret society, the GRCC, or Grand Rapids Chamber of Commerce. This group of ruthless, power-hungry oligarchs has been sending this country into a hell-bound spiral for decades. They are the lions and we are the prey. [Editor’s note: The Grand Rapids Chamber of Commerce denied Mr. Pugh entry into their organization in 2011 for his business venture Kidz Factory, where children essentially paid a fee to be the labor force for a small toy conglomerate. He still hasn’t let this go and is still under investigation.]

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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