Grandpa’s Fears
By
November 17, 2015

As I raided my grandfather’s drawers for money to pay my phone bill, I uncovered something greater. Something worth more than $62. It was my grandfather’s diary. With it I could get a glimpse of all his most personal and intimate stories and secrets. Secrets about him. Secrets about our family. Secrets about where I can find $62.

I stared at the diary. The pink cover and bold black lettering that spelled out, “DO NOT READ OR ELSE,” tempted me. I knew I shouldn’t read it, but I did. It’s okay, I am his favorite. What I found was surprising. A recent entry describing his deepest darkest fears and thought provoking questions.

Here is his most recent entry:

“Wednesday, October 21st, 2015. 9:08pm

As I age, I realize new things about myself. I look further within my being  and I begin to uncover things that I have yet to share with those beyond myself. I need to be more honest and courageous. I must record these things in order to face them.

My Fears, My Secrets, and My Concerns
by grandpa

-Will I be racist?

-I should totally get a cool haircut.

-I shot JFK.

-Is it possible to get a different font for my tombstone. LOBSTER?

-If I get placed in a convalescent home, will I be popular?

-What is the longest I can sleep without someone thinking I died?

-How can I tell if a girl likes me?

-It’s crazy to think I’m in the Illuminati. LOL.   

-Will people support my creativity?

-I’m afraid my dog will never see color.

-What happens when a lightbulb thinks of an idea?

-My family is lame as hell. Especially my grandson. Always asking for money. Smh.

-I have never sexted.

-Christmas is coming up. I don’t want to spend money, so I will just wrap up empty boxes. When they see nothing inside, I will just pretend I forgot. I’m old, I can do that.

-I am afraid of change. Like, literally change. Nickels especially.

-I have never voted.

-Am I too old to run away?

…..

I think this is enough writing for today. I’m noticing that I have a lot of things I have to overcome and acknowledge for me to continue growing. This is the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. I have never felt vulnerable. I’ll continue my entries tomorrow. Right now I have to raid my grandson’s drawers for $62 for medicine.”

After wiping the tears from my eyes I discovered $62 right next to my grandpa’s tissue box. Was I destined to find the diary? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am taking the batteries out of my grandpa’s Life Alert.

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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