“Thank you for calling Doctor Quacktor.

We are located somewhere in California. 

Our office hours are 1 PM until 1:30 PM.

Please listen to these options:

If you have a broken leg, press 1.

If it is the femur, press 2.

If it is the fibula, press 3.

If the bone is sticking through, press 4.

If the bone looks kind of funky, press 5.

If the bone looks real funky, press 6.

If your leg is turning green, press 7.

If it is pointed in a different direction, press 8.

If you have any pain, press 9.

If you think you have gangrene, press 10.

If the blood is kind of coming out, press 11.

If the blood is squirting out, press 12.

If you start seeing strange things, press 13.

If everything is turning black, press 14.

If you can’t feel anything any more, press 15.

If rigor mortis is about to set in, press 16.

If you see a white light, press 17.

If you are flying up to heaven, press 18.

If you have a medical emergency, press 19.

If you want to speak to the doctor,

Good luck.”



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!