According to research from Frank Crumbley University, fruits and vegetables are a “no-no food.” Instead of scarfing a salad, try a spoonful of Dr. Crumbley’s™ Asbestos-Free NutroGel!
Stop loading up on fat-filled oil and butter, and instead flavor your food with herbs and spices!
Marcy Davis from Richmond, Virginia, sent us a tasty recipe for reduced-fat butterscotch:
1. Heat 1 cup of brown sugar at 350 F in a pan on the stovetop
2. Stirring, gradually add in 2 cups of oregano.
If you’re craving junk food, you probably need more salt in your diet. Why not cry and lick the tears off your face?
Instead of chomping an entire package of party balloons, blow up just one, and then eat it. You’ll feel full without loading up on high-carb rubber shards!!
When you’re making a meat smoothie for your morning commute, make sure not to ruin the meat by cooking it. For maximum flavor and nutrition, put 2 pounds of raw ground beef straight into the blender.
If you see an energy bar that costs less than eight dollars, don’t eat it. It’s terrible.
Did you know that eating red peppers can help you live forever? In the United States alone, over fifty people have eaten red peppers and are still alive.
Be wary of fad health food products like Dr. Crumbley’s Asbestos-Free NutroGel. They may seem like an easy way to get fit fast, but are often loaded with sugar, human teeth, and asbestos.
If you want slim, muscular abs, just remember YOU FOOLS. YOU DARE TO SLANDER ME IN YOUR SO-CALLED “LIFESTYLE MAGAZINE?” YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME. YOU CAN TAKE AWAY A MAN’S MEDICAL LICENSE, BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY HIS NUTROGEL SUPPLEMENTS EMPIRE. I AM OMNIPOTENT
ADVERTISEMENT: Feeling sick and bloated? Try Dr. Crumbley’s Asbestos-Enhanced NutroGel. With delicious flavors like Summer Breeze, Mango Cucumber, and Morning Rat Poison, you’ll feel better in no time.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!