Hey Facebook Friends, Here’s My Wound!
By
June 14, 2017

1497144275_11Have you checked Facebook today? Check it again, I just posted an HDR photo of this wound I have on my leg. It’s gnarly and nasty and when I look at it, it makes me incredibly queasy. I hope that is not indicative of a larger wound-related medical problem. I can’t even think about it without feeling weak, but I also literally cannot stop thinking about it due to the size of it. Here, you take a look. Don’t you agree it looks horrible? Please comment with how bad you think it looks, and if you think I should go see a doctor. Personally, I am leaning towards getting stitches because this thing is really deep. That white thing you see might be one of my bones. If you’re having trouble seeing what I’m referring to, I also tagged it as “My Bone?”

Humor me for a second and look closely at this picture of my wound.The first thing you may notice is that it’s not just a cut. It’s a cut surrounded by an enormous bruise. Actually, it could even be a hematoma! I’m not too sure on what qualifies something as a hematoma, but this bad boy has too many different colors going on with it to be normal. While bruises are usually caused by minor internal bleeding, I think I managed to like bust open several major arteries or something because this is beyond anything I have ever seen on my body. Don’t you think this is almost exactly how the spoiled meat looked on Oregon Trail?   

I feel like sometimes Facebook messes with the image quality so I don’t know if you can see them super clearly in the picture, but my wound has all of these weird little red marks around it. It’s possible a spider got in there and bit the wound, because that looks like there’s some kind of funky poisoning going on here beyond a basic infection. People say that open wounds are a great place for maggots and small bugs to get into, and while I don’t think that is what’s going on here, I haven’t ruled out the scenario where a spider bit me in my wound and then laid a bunch of eggs in it.

If you’re looking on Facebook on your phone, use your fingers to zoom in on the photo of my wound. You should be able to see a chunky yellow discharge seeping out of my wound. I’ve obviously seen pus before, but this seems more like pancake batter. Unusually foamy pancake batter. I’ve tried to dab it away a little bit with a paper towel but everytime I do, my wound seems to make even more foamy biohazardous bile. It’s also kind of sticky, so there are bits of paper towel still stuck in the wound. I have had to keep my dog outside for most of the day, because he keeps trying to lick my wound. I think there’s something about the taste of whatever my wound is secreting that he finds undeniable. Is this what gangrene is? Am I gangrenous?

On a lighter note, my wound makes a whistling sound. I’m not sure how this is happening, but every time I take a step my wound makes a noise that sounds just like an old timey prospector pronouncing the letter “s.” I know that the picture I posted on Facebook doesn’t really convey this feature of my wound, so I may post a link to Soundcloud later. The soft singing of my injury is actually pretty enjoyable, and I want to share it with you.

Frankly, there’s a lot I don’t understand about my wound. It hurts, it’s not pleasant to look at, and its picture might be removed from Facebook very soon. I really can’t talk about my wound any more as it is making me unbelievably nauseous, and I don’t want to clean vomit off my keyboard again today. I know that this picture of my wound isn’t as nice to look at as all of the wedding photos that are probably also appearing in your newsfeed, but I hope it makes you feel closer to me and what’s going on in my life these days.

I will say it is kind of weird this post doesn’t have more likes.

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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