Zach Pugh is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. Since graduating from Oxford in just 3 school terms, he has written 47 books ranging from crime thrillers to psychology textbooks. He has developed a serum to allow him to stay young forever, which means he will outlive all of his (currently) 16 children. This inevitability keeps him awake every night and prevents him from ever truly being happy… He’s currently working on book #48, a collection of poems entitled 187 On A Muthafuckin Cop.

Oh, hey guys. Thanks for taking the bandana from out of my mouth. Was that yours, Greg? I thought so, it tasted like you smell. Sorry, that’s a weird thing to say to someone you just met. And I deserve that look you’re giving me. I was the one who interrupted your “leather meeting” at the bar and saw those pictures you were really hoping no one else would see. That’s on me.

Anyway, can I just ask a quick question? I’ll take your silence as a yes. And this is going to sound crazy. But are you guys kidnapping me right now? I know it’s insane. That’s why you’re all laughing and I’m also laughing with you because I get the joke. Sure we had our ups and downs but I thought, and I still think, that we were right on the verge of all being best friends. You guys could give me one of your cool leather jackets with that dynamite skull on the back. I could completely forget about any sort of horrifying images that may have grazed my sightline. Sorry, sorry please don’t put the bandana back in my mouth! I’ll shut up. Greg, it’s nothing personal you just taste real bad. For me! Not in general. I’m sure plenty of people like the way you taste…Ok out we go then.

Where are we walking now? It’s really starting to feel like you’re kidnapping me. I’ve never been to this part of the swamp before. It does not smell good. It’s also very difficult to walk through. This would probably be a lot easier if my hands weren’t tied behind my back. Would you guys mind…Wait why are we stopping here? I’m supposed to get in there? That’s just a wet hole. What are we going to do down there? Ok, I’m going I’m going. Now what?

Oh, you’re going to bury me alive? Very original, guys. Was this Chuck’s idea? I bet it was. Chuck, if this is the last time we see each other, I want you to know that…ah gross, the mud tastes gross…Chuck, I want you to know that all of your business ideas are terrible. I was only being nice. Ohhhh, the truth doesn’t feel too good does it Chuck? Ok, start throwing rocks at me. Very mature.

Ok, really, it’s getting kind of hard to breathe now. Could you guys…we’re going to laugh about this one day. Wait, where are you going? Guys?! So are we still on for poker tomorrow night? Guys!?! 


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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