What’s up guys? I know, it’s been a minute! How have you been? Cool, cool. Yeah, congratulations! I saw it on Facebook, and I’m just waiting for my invitation. I’d love to be a part of the whole thing, and just be able to give you guys my best wishes!

I assume it must be hard to whittle down your list of friends and loved ones to 100 people. I wouldn’t know, I don’t know that many people. But you can’t slip one “save the date” to lil’ ol’ me? I’ll buy a nice suit and everything. Here, I’ve saved a picture of one that I’ve had my eye on for a while. It’s grey.

I don’t even drink, you know. Oh, you’re having a cash bar so that doesn’t matter? Sounds like a pretty lame wedding if you ask me. I mean, I won’t cause a ruckus at all. Like I’ll just sit there and make polite table conversation and maybe dance a little bit, especially if they play “Ignition (Remix)”. I love that song.

I won’t eat if that will help. Catering is really expensive, and you’ll probably just get some boring adult food anyway, like lemon chicken or some crap. I’ll just put some peanuts in my pocket or something like that. The protein will be enough to get me through the day. I’m really just trying to not be a bother in any way about this.

And if somebody tries to pull one of those “if anyone has any reason why these two shouldn’t marry” crap, boy howdy, I’ll sock them right in the mouth. If you invite me, you essentially get free security for your wedding. I mean, talk about a deal. Great presence, and some muscle to make sure things go nice and smoothly.

Please invite me to your wedding. I’m so lonely. 

Look, Spirit Air doesn’t accept cancellations. I’m already out $200 on this thing. I know that doesn’t sound like much to you, someone who can have their wedding at the Luray Caverns, but that’s about 1/3 of my rent right now, and I was really banking on going to this shindig. That’s my entire Uber sign up bonus.

How did I know the date to book the flight? Oh, Joey told me. I see you invited him. I suppose he’s someone you’d want there, but don’t you want the whole crew back together? We could’ve relived Beach Week 2008! 

Seriously, just give me a fucking invitation. You’ve probably got one in your pocket right now! Just give it over, it’s not a big deal. You don’t have to be such a dick about it. Give it the fuck to me right now.

You’re right, I’m sorry. I got a little heated there for a second, and I apologize. I just keep seeing pictures of how happy you are, and I’m happy for you too, and I just want to be able to cheer on your union.

I’ll just stand in the back. You won’t even know I’m there. I promise I won’t even make eye contact with either of you. Here’s what I’ll do, I’ll wear these dark sunglasses so even if I look at you, you won’t even know. See, don’t they look great? It looks like there’s Secret Service at your wedding! How cool is that?

I’m sorry, you’re right, it’s really rude of me to put you in this position. I’m sorry to intrude on your happiness. It’s also rude to book your wedding on the same day as my birthday, but hey, you do you. I’ll go now. Congratulations again. 


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!