You heard me correctly. I’m selling premium, first class roller coasters at incredible prices. I know what you’re thinking. Who sells roller coasters to individual people on the street? That, my friend, is called market opportunity.

So can I put you down for one? Not yet? I see you need some more convincing. That’s fair.

My roller coasters go up, down, around a turn, straight for a bit, slowwwwly up, and then really far down.

My roller coasters go on upside down loops. But only if the cars have shoulder harnesses. No exceptions. Anymore.

My roller coasters snap a photo of you at the beginning of the ride when we’re going nice and slow. We want you to look good. Other roller coasters won’t do that.

Best of all, you can be any height to ride. Now, are some heights safer than others? Sure. But I don’t need to give you a physics lessons.

What’s that? Yes, roller coaster sales are usually a B2B industry. You’re smart to know that term. Smart enough to buy a roller coaster when one’s offered to you at a deep discount by a man wearing an eye patch? Don’t answer that yet. Like a good roller coaster, let’s see where this conversation takes us.

Look, my motivation here is to connect would-be owners with the rail rockets of their dreams. Also, it wouldn’t be half bad to get some of this corrugated steel out of my home. You should see my house. Rooms upon rooms of industrial metals. I can literally never move! 

What’s a guy to do with just one roller coaster? Great question. I get that one a lot. Well, you could buy a second roller coaster. Statistics show that people are 3400% more likely to ride a roller coaster after riding another one previously that day. Game changing, really. 

But a little word of advice on buying a second roller coaster … make sure it’s a very different type of roller coaster. Best not to have two similar roller coasters. If that’s what you want, just keep the one and have it run double the hours. I’d hate to see you waste your money.

That about ends the pitch. Please keep your arms and legs inside the car until we come to a complete stop. I like to go out on a little roller coaster humor.

So what do you say? I see. Well that’s your opinion. OK, no need to get personal.

If you change your mind, I’ll be on this street corner, participating in a medical trial, or ­on the pier fishing for small sharks.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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