Hi! I married Jared Kushner in Prison! AMA!
By
June 7, 2017

Jared_Kushner_croppedI’d never noticed Jared Kushner’s mousy features and “Two days late on rent and I’ll break this lease, you scum-ridden worm” attitude, until it became extremely clear that he was definitely going to prison. And that’s when our love story began.

I remember it like it was yesterday. He became a person of interest in the Russia investigation and he became a person of interest in my heart.

I have nothing in common with Ivanka – she’s always felt like a beautiful ice sculpture to me. But as soon as Jared was sentenced to 10 years in prison and Ivanka divorced him, I knew that was my chance. I began writing him letters, cutting out pictures of me from family photos and pictures of him that were in the newspaper from his trial, and pasting them together on top of a wedding cake I drew. And then covering the rest of the page with pictures of dogs I cut out after printing off the entire ASPCA website.

I spent the next three days trying to learn russian so I would know, what I expect, is Jared’s native tongue. But it was too hard and it always looked like the letters were upside down – so I gave up. Instead, I spent my time luring a squirrel into my hands in the park and then put him on a leash and brought him home as a pet. I named him Jared Jr. and he’s bitten me three times in the last hourealkjfsda. 

Finally, Jared wrote back! It was the best day of my life. He asked me to stop sending pictures. And so I started sending him more because men are always playing mind games with you. They are trying to see if you’re really invested. And I was.

I kept at it for two years and finally I went to visit him in prison. I brought rings, just in case he wanted to get married right then, but he said he wanted to wait. I respect that.

I know how he loves to take things slow, bide his time, create secret channels for communication with those he implicitly trusts, and screw over the united states – so this didn’t come as a surprise to me. I’m happy to wait!

I went back the next day and I told him I had a great lawyer who could get him out if he would just marry me. He thought about it. And a week later, after I told him all of her incredible qualifications and about all the cases she’d won, he agreed.

He really just wanted to get back to being a slumlord and I’d love to become a slumlady! That’s so british of us. He’s so foreign and cultured!

I can see the headlines now:

“Lord Kushner is out and talking with his best friends: Russia. Normal, beautiful, fun woman recognizes his potential and saves him from rotting away in jail.”

We were married in the visitor’s area! This man who said he was Jared’s “prison wife” was our witness. They seemed to really be best friends. I was happy Jared had someone there. I brought a cut out of Penelope Cruz as my Maid of Honor. She complained the whole time.

We sipped ginger ale which I have only ever drank on a plane, so that was really special, and we had Ho-hos from the visitor’s lounge vending machine as our wedding cake. It’s not much, but it was ours. 

It was tough for the next few months. Jared told me I had to introduce him to the lawyer I had talked about. But I kept putting it off. She’s so hard to get in touch with. He finally told me to just get her name to him and I said her name was Ally McBeal and she works at Cage & Fish in Boston.

He got really mad and told me to never come back again. I still go every week and drop off ho-hos to remind him of our STILL unconsummated marriage but I know he’s still trying to save Israel probably, so maybe that’s taking up his time. But he won’t come out to talk to me anymore. I still love him with all my heart and I just wish that our son, Jared Jr. could meet his father. But he died 3 weeks ago after he drowned himself in my toilet. Really wedged himself in there.

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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