Do you like books, Stephen? What kinds of books? We never talk about ideas, do we? I’ll get you a set of six different literature inspired colognes, in a gift box that looks like an old book. Maybe that will make you smile.
Sometimes I feel as if you’d have an easier time functioning without cold brew coffee for one day than functioning without me for the rest of your earthly life. Perhaps if gave you with home brewing carafe, your would think of me while pouring it, eyes focused on some distant point out the window, into the “World’s Best Husband” mug I gave you when we first moved in
A penny? for your thoughts, Stephen? One hundred pennies, one THOUSAND…
An expensive tie that really brings out the color in his cold, hard eyes that never seem to quite meet yours in any meaningful way. Silk, perhaps.
A trial subscription to Blue Apron for when I go to stay at my sister’s house for the weekend because I just need some space. It’s a healthy, restaurant quality meal in less than 40 minutes!
The beard oil is for the facial hair you’ll grow in an attempt to feel young and relevant again when I leave you, Stephen
A clever little keychain that connects to an app on your phone so you can track your keys, we all know how men are always misplacing things! For example, the love and loyalty of a good woman.
A lovely, hardshell suitcase that you can pack all of your things neatly in when you get the hell out of my house. My life isn’t over yet, my sister brought up some good points. I’m going to get her a beautiful scarf and a box of delicious macaroons.
Editor’s Note: Hey Stephen, it’s me Greg, from the magazine, I hope publishing this doesn’t mean we can’t get beers sometime. I still think you’re a cool guy :)
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!