Honored to Be Heather’s Maid… of Honor
By
February 16, 2015

When Heather asked me to be her maid of honor I lost control of my vehicle and crashed my burnt orange Mazda into a nearby telephone pole. After I came to, I felt both excitement and waves of shock crash throughout my bleeding body. I couldn’t believe my best friend was getting married… Dan had popped the question.

I won’t bore you with Webster Dictionary’s definition of love but instead I’ll educate you on their definition of compassion… Compassion: the capacity to feel sorrow for another’s suffering or misfortune. Heather’s compassion is what initially drew me to her or her to me on that rainy middle school day back in Oklahoma. I was sprinting because I was late for biology and the next thing I know I’ve smacked into a well-known and nearly impossible to miss pole in the courtyard. When I came to, Heather was by my side, holding my hand, she continued to hold my hand as they loaded me onto the stretcher and we’ve been best friends ever since.

I remember the day Dan came into Heather’s life because in a way he came into mine as well. He was kind, generous and had rock hard abs–probably harder.

I’ll never forget that time a bunch of us went down to Palm Springs just to get away from it all and enjoy one another’s company, and I’ll definitely never forget watching Dan emerge from the pool on an especially scorching day–glistening like a sexy red headed dolphin.

Heather and Dan are polar opposites, they are so wrong together that they are right. Or are they? Only time will tell.

I’ve seen Heather through it all. I remember how her first boyfriend Alan broke her heart by asking her to meet him for a romantic picnic in Central Park only for her to discover a blanket with a sign on top of it that read, “It’s over aka we’re done.” The sign was held down by a package of brie cheese, which I honestly thought was a nice touch.

But that’s all in the past I suppose. As I look at you guys now, Dan, looking like People Magazine’s sexiest man alive and Heather looking pretty standard, I can’t help but think about Dan naked and vulnerable in the pale moonlight. His abs as prominent as Alan’s love for brie cheese. His mouth a potential den for my tongue to hibernate in come winter. His hands, gorgeous apparatuses to feel his own rock hard abs…

Okay it seems like you guys are really going through with this, whatever, fuck it, I got you a blender.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!


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By Paige Weldon

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