THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY (DIS) – BUY
As someone who has never bought a stock (nor knows how to), I feel confident telling you to sell everything you own and buy Disney. They’ve got it all: an elite multi-ethnic princess squad, a family of sexy homeschooled wizards, and a mouse kids love without ever having seen him do anything.
Plus, Disney recently made waves by purchasing Marvel, Star Wars and the entire earth’s water supply. What a savvy business move! Boy, I’m thirsty. I sure could go for a drink of water… I mean, magic!
There’s an old rule in business, that I’m making up right now, which states: “If it annoys adults, invest in it.” Disney has a show called–I’m not kidding–Dog With A Blog. When I first heard about it, I did two things:
1) Smashed the tumbler of whiskey I was holding with my hand 2) Bought 500 shares of Disney from some guy in an alley
And I can’t wait to cash in these Ziploc bags filled with white, powdery shares of Disney!
DANNON (DANOY) – SELL
No human being has ever finished a large container of yogurt. Oh, they’ll put on a show for the first few days, but people move on when they remember they don’t have to eat yogurt.
Then what? That yogurt’s gonna spoil. Even more. You’ll dump it in the garbage disposal, feel gross while doing it, and avoid buying yogurt until your next New Year’s resolution.
It is for this reason that I rate Dannon a SELL. Buy some shares of Dannon, then sell them immediately. No offense Dannon, but I hope you go bankrupt and your employees become homeless.
CHINA (CAF) – BUY
China is literally eating us alive, I think! Everywhere you look, China’s on the march – their kids are smarter, their food is greasier, and their employees are so dedicated they sometimes live at work. Beating the Chinese at their own game will take hard work, which Americans hate. So let’s invest in China! With money we borrow from China!
While for some dumb reason you can’t yet buy a share of “China,” you can do the next best thing: purchase a share of the Morgan Stanley China Fund, an exchange-traded index fund that seeks to mirror the listings of China’s Shanghai Composite Index. Or, do what I did and give your money to any Chinese person you encounter! Either way, it’ll be a lot safer there than in American financial institutions (which are run by the shifty, untrustworthy Chinese.)
THE SUN ITSELF (KWT) – SELL
I’ve never trusted The Sun. Sometimes I look out my window and, without warning, it’s gone. So if you own any stocks in the solar industry, I’d suggest you burn the certificates and use the power to heat your home.
According to my conservative uncle, the solar industry is as unprofitable as it is un-American. How can they not make money? Sunlight costs nothing! If oil cost nothing to extract, Exxon would make so much money it might actually have to pay taxes! Also the earth would be destroyed? My point is, sell, and invest in a far more reliable place: The Moon.
Specifically, aerospace stocks. Do you know how much money we made when we went to the moon in the 60s? I don’t. Let’s buy enough moon stocks to find out. Let’s go get us some moon diamonds.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: ALL OF THIS ADVICE IS JOKES. PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW THESE JOKE STOCK TIPS.
…UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET RICH!!
THAT WAS ALSO A JOKE. THIS IS SATIRE. PLEASE DON’T FOLLOW THIS ADVICE.
…ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK!