How I Would’ve Done It: Star Trek Edition
By
September 10, 2014

Hello all!

I am here today with the second edition of How I Would’ve Done It.

For any of you who are unfamiliar with How I Would’ve Done It, please keep reading. I copy and pasted the first two paragraphs from the original article:

Hello, my name is Adam Allgood and I love to watch movies. We all love to watch movies. Hell, you tell me you don’t love movies, I’ll slap you where you stand and call you a liar! Kidding ;-)

Sometimes I watch a fantastic movie and think to myself, “Holey moley, that scene was amazing, but if I were sitting in that director’s chair, I would have done that part a little differently.” Rather than keep my musings to myself, I’ve written out Adam’s Alternate Scenes aka How I Would’ve Done It. That’s right, I’m flippin’ the script.

Now that you’re caught up, we can jump right in. One of my favorite movies of the past thirteen years is Star Trek. Not those old ones, but the updated one, with the hotter actors.

The very first scene of the new Star Trek is INTENSE to say the least. *SPOILER ALERT* It sets up the whole movie and depicts Captain Kirk’s father, George Kirk, sacrificing himself for his entire crew as well as his pregnant wife (pregnant with baby Captain Kirk) by diverting fire and crashing his ship directly into the evil Emperor Nero’s mining freighter. *SPOILER ALERT* Not only this but George speaks with his wife via communicator as she gives birth ON the escape pod WHILE he is literally SECONDS from dying. *SPOILER ALERT* He even has enough time to name his own baby right before he explodes.

Yeah, a little over-dramatic. Here’s how I would’ve done it:

*NOTE: THIS SCENE IS INTER-CUT BETWEEN:

INT. USS KELVIN – SPACE? (NIGHT OR DAY DEPENDS ON IF YOU ARE ON A PLANET WITH A STAR)

AND

INT. ESCAPE POD – SPACE

CAPTAIN GEORGE KIRK sits in his Captain’s chair. Alarms are sounding (serious shit is going down). He speaks with his wife, who is on the escape pod, via the telecommunication device in the arm of his chair.

CAPTAIN GEORGE KIRK
Honey! I’m not gonna make it to an escape pod. The autopilot malfunctioned! I have to pilot this old space canoe myself.

MRS. KIRK
No! I can’t leave without you. AHHHHHHHH! (this is a labor scream)

SPACEPOD NURSE
Ma’am the baby is coming. Please lay still!

CAPTAIN GEORGE KIRK
It’s the only way I can divert enough fire for you and the baby to escape! I’m sorry, I have to do this!

MRS. KIRK
I love you George! AHHHHHHHHHHHH–

As Mrs. Kirk screams a BABY pops out of her womb and jumps up on her belly.

The baby wears a top hat and a cane as well as a tiny Starfleet outfit. He begins dancing and singing.

BABY
(singing)
Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey
Hello, my ragtime gal

Everyone starts laughing.

BABY(Cont)
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my hearts on fire
If you refuse me
Honey, you’ll lose me
Then you’ll be left alone

They start laughing even harder.

BABY (Cont.)
Oh baby, telephone
And tell me I’m your own

The baby then falls into his mothers arms and gently begins to snore.

ESCAPE POD NURSE
Check please!

CAPTAIN GEORGE KIRK
That was classic! So funny!

MRS. KIRK
I know right! What should we name him?

CAPTAIN GEORGE KIRK
Who was that famous comedian from the 21st century?

MRS. KIRK
Jim Carrey?

CAPTAIN GEORGE KIRK
Haha yeah! Jim Carrey! Smokin’! Name him Jim!

MRS. KIRK
Haha, yes! That totally fits!

BOOM. The USS Kelvin smashes into Emperor Nero’s ship

MRS. KIRK(Cont.)
Noooooooooo!

END SCENE.

That scene was a little rigid before, but I think I loosened it up… A LOT.

Do you remember in the sci-fi drama Alien when the baby alien pops out of that guy’s chest? Do you ALSO remember in the comedy Spaceballs when they spoofed that scene? Do you also realize that the scene in Spaceballs was ALSO spoofing the classic singing frog bit from the Looney Tunes cartoons (making that scene a double spoof)?

Because guess what? You just got hit with a spoof of a double spoof of a sci-fi drama IN a sci-fi Drama. Brought it full circle. Ain’t never seen one of those before have you?

So, get outta my house or shut your mouth cuz that’s just how I Would’ve Done It.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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