How I Would’ve Done It
By
October 18, 2013

Hello, my name is Adam Allgood and I love to watch movies. We all love to watch movies. Hell, you tell me you don’t love movies, I’ll slap you where you stand and call you a liar! Kidding ;-)

Sometimes I watch a fantastic movie and think to myself, “Holey moley, that scene was amazing, but if I were sitting in that director’s chair, I would have done that part a little differently.” Rather than keep my musings to myself, I’ve written out Adam’s Alternate Scenes aka “How I Would’ve Done It.” That’s right, I’m flippin’ the script.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Jurassic Park. I’m sure most readers are familiar with the scene in which Tim and Lex, the grandchildren of the founder of Jurassic Park, are trapped in a kitchen with two full-grown velociraptors. In what amounts to one of the tensest scenes of the movie, the two kids manage to outsmart the raptors and escape. An amazing and incredibly suspenseful scene.

But here is how I would’ve done it:

INT. Kitchen – Day

Tim and Lex burst through the kitchen doors.

They run the length of one of the long stainless steel kitchen counters and quickly take cover.

Tim and Lex hold their breath as the snout of Velociraptor #1 appears in the window of the kitchen door. The raptor exhales, steaming up the window.

The door handle jiggles. The children brace themselves as Velociraptor #1 pushes open the door. Velociraptor #2 peers over and both enter the room.

The raptors screech loudly and nip at each other’s necks, tapping their claws on the floor.

Tim and Lex remain hidden at the end of the counter, struggling to contain their fear.

TIM
You know what sis, if we’re goin’ down lets at least go down fightin’.

LEX
Fuckin-A Bro.

Lex pulls out her “one-hitter” weed pipe. She and Tim get blazed for the last time.

Tim looks at Lex with super crazy bloodshot eyes.

TIM
Let’s do this.

Lex does a fist pump in agreement, also with crazy bloodshot eyes.

Lex and Tim each grab a large butcher knife off of a magnetic knife holder. They look at each other and nod.

The two of them stand and turn, screaming as loud as they can. They charge the raptors respectively, knives raised above their heads.

Tim charges his raptor and just as he is about to get within “stab range,” the raptor jumps up and slashes his throat wide open, spraying blood across the flawless steel counters. Tim has fallen.

Lex also reaches her raptor, ready to plunge her knife into its neck. The beast sees it coming and catches her in its mouth, popping that girl’s torso like a water balloon. Lex has fallen.

The fight is over as soon as it began.

One of the raptors reaches down and picks up Lex’s one-hitter. The two raptors proceed to get super cross-faded. (Why cross-faded? Because both raptors were already super hammered from shotgunning some natties.)

The two raptors look at each other with insane bloodshot eyes and cackle like witches.

END SCENE.

I hope you all enjoyed this alternate scene. I wanted to share it because I feel that my version has its own strengths compared to the original. Firstly, I find my interpretation to be much more realistic. Yes, Tim and Lex are violently killed in my version, but I find it very hard to believe that two preteen dipshits who have probably never even got laid could outsmart two full-grown velociraptors. Raptors evolved to KILL, NOT to get dicked over by a couple of bed-wetters. Also, my version includes weed and comedy–two components that the “Great” Steven Spielberg felt the need to omit. Seriously, check out their g-pa. These kids are loaded, so you know they’re living a fast life. It’s weird we don’t see them doing harder drugs. Now, I by no means consider my version to be superior to Spielberg’s, but I would definitely say it is not worse.

This is simply “How I Would’ve Done It.”

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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