Go to your local supermarket’s meat counter and pick out the expensive grass fed variety of ground beef. You deserve the best.

1. Make sure to ask the butcher to give you two patties, so you don’t look desperately single.

2. Meander into the seasonal items aisle and pick up a pack of Peeps that are on sale.

3. Cheese is key to making this a success. So buy at least three varieties but only plan to use one.

Remember, ketchup isn’t a cool condiment anymore so spend at least 30 minutes looking for relish. But settle for ketchup when you can’t find artisanal relish.

4. Onto the bun. Always buy a potato bun.  No questions asked.

5. Off to checkout, where you will internally judge the guy in front of you for buying flowers for his “girlfriend”.

6. You came to the grocery store during shift change. Patiently wait for the new cashier to clock in, to her checkout lane.

7. She forgot to get a role of quarters. Patiently wait, even though you are planning to pay with a credit card.

8. Checkout and book it home. Who has time to wander, when you have a burger to cook?

9. Don’t have a grill? No problem. Just use an un-oiled skillet pan on your electric stove.

10. Is that pan searing hot yet? Perfect! Put one of those hamburgers in there and go back to watching TV on the couch.

11. Remember those Peeps you bought. Time to break those out and go ham!

12. Wait until the fire alarm goes off to flip the burger to the other side.

13. Your apartment has filled with smoke! Run around like a maniac and open all your windows, and  turn on the overhead fan.

14. Attentively tend to the other side of the burger.

15. Realize that the hamburger buns you bought are half of the size of the hamburger patties you bought. So cut that patty in half and make two burgers.

16. Place the patties on the buns gently as to not disturb the hamburger juices. No one wants a soggy bun.

17. Drizzle ketchup over burned areas of the burger, in an act to cover up all that is unholy.

18. Administer one slice of cheese to each halved patty.

19. Throw away all evidence of Peeps.

20. Carefully sit down and start the burger consumption process. Make sure to lean over the plate as to not get juices or ketchup on your white shirt.

21. Try not to make eye contact with your dog who is constantly pushing her wet nose into your leg, begging you for a mere morsel.

22. But she’s so cute! Give her a morsel. Or two.

23. Enjoy.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!