How to Deal with Nerds
By
February 15, 2013

1. If a nerd asks your opinion on a movie or TV show, by all means give it to them. Tell them you think Firefly is overrated, or that you found guilty pleasure in Ryan Reynolds’ Green Lantern. You hate free time, right? Great, because now you get to defend your opinion for the next three hours. To a guy who buys shorts based on “amount of pockets.”

Nerds are masters of knowing when to quit, as evidenced by their slim waistlines and sensibly sized toy collections. Don’t fear prolonged engagements with them. If you can’t argue puppet Yoda vs. CGI Yoda now, they’ll simply bookmark the discussion until the next time they see you. And the next. They’ll keep arguing until you admit you were wrong, or die trying to escape a really indignant guy shouting, “The Big Bang Theory is nerd blackface!”

But hey, just because you die doesn’t mean the debate has to. Imagine the fun your kids will have reading this comment on your posthumous Facebook page: “I’m so sorry you had to pass on… before admitting Tom Baker was the best Doctor Who.”

2. If a nerd complains about their life, you should absolutely give them advice. If there’s one thing nerds are capable of, it’s viewing themselves objectively – that’s why they talk so quietly and smell so nice! Just don’t be discouraged if they reject your advice. It just so happens that they’ve already thought of your advice, every single time, and have simply chosen their own unique path!

Of course they’ve considered not having a long, greasy Fu Manchu beard – you’d be an idiot not to. But you’d also be an idiot to pass up such sweet facial hair! Or cool, long fingernails painted black as the night. Or several thick gold rings. Or any kind of reptile pet. These are choices!

Sure, an all Star Trek t-shirt wardrobe sounds goofy if you say it out loud, or think about it for even a single second, but you must realize it’s a choice. This nerd is simply expressing his individuality! Through the lens of merchandise from a massive corporation!

Everything nerds do can be broken down into this statement: “If liking Farscape too much is wrong, then I don’t want to be right!”

A bolder declaration of principles there never was, and not at all weakened by the inevitable follow up, “Why don’t girls ever text me back?”

3. Finally, if given the opportunity, intertwine your life with that of a nerd in some way. Moving in with a nerd is a cool way to find out what kind of porn they like using your laptop to watch. Working with them on a creative project is great for finding out how stupid your ideas are, or how great theirs are! (Don’t worry – they’ll come straight out and tell you.) Setting up a nerd on a blind date is an easy way to shed unwanted friends.

So run, don’t walk, to your nearest role-playing game materials store and tell everyone inside, “I love one-sided conversations and getting kicked out of Arby’s for being with guys who curse around children!” You’ll be in nerd heaven faster than you can say, “Please stop messaging my female Facebook friends!”


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