How to Develop a Personality
By
March 22, 2013

Acceptance! You want it. Unfortunately, the only way to get it is to be something people easily understand. You need to do more than become a catchphrase – those are too complex. You need to become a “C-Phrase,” like “Y’all ain’t SQUAT!” or “Pop goes the ME.”

You need a personality. If you’re reading this, you probably don’t have one. Sorry. But hey, here are three easy ways to fix that:

1. Get Several Tattoos That Tell A Whole Story 

There’s a rush of attention (and therefore, acceptance) that you only get from showing strangers your tattoo. Consequently, more tattoos = more acceptance! Go out and get four tattoos that weave an intricate tale of ladies names and Japanese characters and sports team logos.

Four tattoos means four times the follow up questions! That’s four times the, “Can you get it wet?” – four times the, “Will it stay that bright?” – four times the “Ah, sorry, I need to make a phone call!”

But what story will your tattoos tell? Well, probably not How You Got Your Diploma, or How Your Kids Are Still Talking To You. Might I suggest, The Time You Ate 16 Hot Dogs Thus Getting Them All For Free? People love hot dogs and accomplishments – it’s win/win!

The first tattoo can be you hearing from your buddy that there’s a restaurant with a hot dog challenge. The second can be you eating the 16th dog. The third can be you bragging about it at a party. The fourth tattoo can be you getting the first tattoo. The circle renews. You are now popular.

2. Develop A Strong Opinion About Israel & Palestine (Despite Being Of Neither Ethnicity)

The Israel/Palestine conflict is a heartbreaking cycle of violence that you can use to look cool. Why not arbitrarily pick a side and start shouting into a camera?

If you live on the coasts, just say, “Israel has a right to defend itself.” If you live anywhere else on the planet, just say, “The Palestinians deserve the chance at a future.” And if you’re running for President, just cycle through both phrases as quickly as possible until people get bored.

The best part about weighing in on Israel and Palestine is you get to call your opponents racists. Calling someone a racist is a real ego boost, and makes you feel like you’re floating on air! I try to call someone a racist at least once a day, and boy, I sure have some weird friends now.

Just keep yelling random years (1967! 1974!) and pounding really hard on a book. It doesn’t have to be a religious book – I use a hollowed out book filled with whiskey! Eventually, someone will change the subject, and you can drink some book whiskey. Welcome to your new identity.

3. Have A Baby

So you have no identity – big deal! You’re an opinionless waste of space – so what! You could die tomorrow and nobody would care – big whoop! Big whoop – who gives a rip! There’s always a second chance: a one-word solution called, “Having A Baby.”

You can make your whole life about them, which is great if you don’t have one. You can ignore them and play “the villain.” They’ll spend their whole life searching for your approval – what a rush! You can make them religious or drunks or slutty or huge, all by trying to force them to do the opposite of those things.

Plus, whatever they accomplish, you accomplish. Are they a football star? You are too – thanks, the word “vicarious!” Are they a beauty queen? Yeah, because of your good example. Are they a drug addict? Well look, at some point they have to take responsibility for themselves.

You can name them “Apple” to show off your own creativity, or name them “Peach” because you want them to be a stripper. You can name them “Dakota” because you want them to get beat up, or name them “Mike” because you’re super boring. No matter what you call them, they will define you.

Unless they grow up to be losers. You can blame that on video games or something.


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