How to Kiss
By
October 26, 2015

Alright. Here you are. The big moment. Do or die. This will be the moment that you either brag and boast about to your friends, or forever repress and cry about whenever you hear that Fleetwood Mac song in your car. You know the one.

I’m here to assist you in making this moment truly special. Your first kiss!

Practice. Practice makes perfect. Most people start by making out with a pillow, but you’re not most people. Switch it up. Make out with a body pillow. Get a feel for the contour and shape of a person’s body. That way you know what to do with your hands!

Practice should be done at least 2-3 times per day. Note that no matter how many times you practice you will never truly be ready.

Initiation. Once you are in the presence of that special someone, initiate the kiss. Different personality types will have different methods of initiation. I have provided a guide based on 5 common personality types.

IF YOU ARE A ROMANTIC:

-Tell the person you love them.

-Promise unattainable things.

-Lean in for kiss.

IF YOU ARE SPONTANEOUS:

-Say something spontaneous like, “Whoa wouldn’t it be crazy if we kissed right now.”

-Proceed to kiss, right now.

IF YOU ARE INDECISIVE:

-Maybe hold off on kissing for a bit, kiddo.

-Keep on making out with your pillow.

-Also, are you sure you like this person?

-Be sure of your feelings.

IF YOU ARE CONFIDENT:

-You are too confident. It’s overbearing.

-I want to kiss you.

-Stop reading this list.

IF YOU ARE TIMID:

-DRIVE BACK HOME THE WORLD IS A SCARY PLACE AND KISSING WILL ONLY BRING ATTACHMENT AND YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT RIGHT NOW.

-Lean in for kiss.

-Hesitate.

-Excuse yourself. Say something like, “Oh man, you’ll have to excuse me.”

-Get in your car.

-Drive home. Fast, but cautiously.

-Think about things you should have said/done on your car ride back home.

-Contemplate sending a text apologizing for awkwardness.

-Send text.

-Never get response.

-Repeat forever.

Okay. Now that you have kissed, how was it? Pretty dope, right!? I’m so happy for you! Glad I could help.

Wait, hold on you’ve got some lipstick on your mouth. Where? Right here let me show you…. Oh my, I’m so sorry. I totally misread you. I thought… No, it’s because you were really into my article. I saw you laughing and thought you would be interested, so I figured I would try to kiss you. No, I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed. Text me?

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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