Hey guys, it’s me, the office cool girl, coming at you live from my desk in the corner of the office. “You mean the one with all the ironic cat posters and a homemade sunglasses rack?” Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean.
You know what they say, “it’s not work if you love it,” but, fun fact, it’s also not work if you don’t do any work at all. So this summer, while all your co-workers a beep beep booping like a bunch of lame office drones, you can be just like me and accomplish absolutely nothing, like the insatiable free-spirit you truly are.
You don’t need a “stapler” or a “401k” or “ambition” to succeed in your office environment, all you need are these tips:
1. 6 words: Post-it notes, Post-it notes, Post-it notes
When people see post-it notes, they don’t see basic-ass color squares, they see tasks and opportunity, which is why I decorate my desk with as many post-it notes as possible. This post-it over here is my grocery list. This one just says “synergy.” And this one is a random collection of last names that could honestly mean anything: clients, lovers, a hit-list; the sky’s the limit.
2. Interacting with Co-Workers: The Performance of a Lifetime
From time to time, a co-worker is going to ask you to work. It’s scary, and hopefully it may never happen, but either way you must be prepared. So, repeat after me “God, I really wish I could help, but I’m already so busy working on this [vaguely gesture to your computer]… that I just can’t.” Now say it faster. FASTER! Look off into the distance, shake your head a little, close your eyes, open them, then give your co-worker a look that says “nothing is going my way today so I need you sympathize with me, but not so much in that you ask questions that could jeopardize the web of lies I have weaved.” Good. Now release a single tear. No that’s too much! I said a single tear. This is still a professional environment, jeez.
3. Remain in a Constant State of Preparing to Read An E-mail:
The great thing about keeping your e-mail open is that it creates the illusion of expectation. Maybe you’re not working now, but you’re about to, probably. Perhaps you’re waiting to hear about that big merger-deal-pitch meeting. Or maybe your sister’s about to go into labor and could send an email to notify you at any minute? Either one will do. Feel free to spice things up with a few random mouse clicks here and there too, because, as they say on Wall Street, “in order to be business, you gotta click business.”
Fashion trends may come and go, but stretching is forever. You’ve been at this desk anywhere from 10 minutes to a whole 12 minutes, so your body needs at LEAST a 40-minute break. Use this time to do a few lunges, or take a short stroll to the water cooler, or a quick lap around the office, or a short sprint to your car followed by a rejuvenating drive home and a nice nap. It IS summer after all!
5. Never Accept Defeat
Being the cool girl/guy of the office may look easy, but it’s not for the faint of heart. Your peers will try to break you, to destroy you, to ask for your help with something, but you can’t give in. Worst comes to worst, your boss will fire you. But if that’s the case, then they probably don’t deserve to have you pretending to work there five days a week in the first place.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!