If you’re a straight male reading this article, chances are you have toyed with the idea of one day seducing a beautiful woman. While it may seem like an impossible task, millions of beautiful women are seduced every day all over the world. Why shouldn’t you be the one seducing them?
While I have never actually seduced any beautiful women myself, I have witnessed many of them being seduced, and I have studied the techniques of the men seducing them in order to create this article and help you learn How to Seduce Beautiful Women.
1. Be really, really ridiculously good-looking.
I’m not talking about being kind of cute or dressing well; I’m talking about practically being a male model. In order to seduce beautiful women you are going to need to be so good-looking that even other straight men get into car accidents looking at you as they drive by, dangerously envious of the way you look. One thing I’ve noticed in my research is that not only the attractive women, but almost all of the women I’ve been studying are actually very attracted to really, really ridiculously good-looking men. Now you may be asking yourself, “How can I get really, really ridiculously good-looking if I wasn’t born that way?” Surgery. Lots and lots of very expensive and highly invasive surgery. One of the first things I noticed about these really, really ridiculously good-looking men is that they are tall–somewhere between 6’2” and 6’4”. If you don’t fit into that range, you may want to consider getting what’s known as a “limb lengthening procedure” (http://theweek.com/article/index/224875/limb-lengthening-the-radical-new-plastic-surgery-craze). This grueling six-month procedure involves separating your bone below the kneecaps, followed by six months of extremely painful physical therapy that will cost you roughly eighty thousand dollars. Hey, I never said seducing attractive women would be cheap, which leads me to my next piece of advice…
2. Become really, really ridiculously wealthy.
The nice thing about being really, really ridiculously wealthy is that you don’t even need to be that good-looking to seduce beautiful women. In fact, all you need to do is locate the nearest brothel and you can seduce all the beautiful women you want. No longer do you need to feel self-conscious or insecure about your height or penis size as you can now live a life of happiness and fulfillment as long as you either…
a. Have an incredibly high paying job,
b. Inherit a ridiculous amount of money, or,
c. Win the lottery
If none of the above conditions apply to you then I would highly recommend successfully robbing a bank. If you’re too much of a pussy to rob a bank, there is another option. Now, in order for this plan to work you must be young, debt-free, have no financial commitments, and have a job. This can be any job, as long as it actually pays you real money. First, move back into your parent’s house where you must reside for the next forty to sixty years of your life. Second, eat nothing but ramen noodles. Third, invest every cent you make into a low-risk IRA. And finally, stay alive into your eighties. By following my simple plan you should have saved up a small fortune by the time you’ve reached your eighties, and you should also be in a state of rapidly deteriorating health. Congratulations are in order as you should now be able to seduce a young, hot trophy wife that would be happy to perform sexual favors on you while she impatiently awaits your untimely death.
3. Become a professional athlete and/or celebrity.
Two groups of people often spotted seducing attractive women include professional athletes and celebrities. If you are over the age of four and have yet to dedicate your life to either pursuit, I advise you to move on from this section of the article as it does not apply to you. Now, four-year-olds, if you are currently reading this article, that is rather impressive, but it’s not going to get you laid. Here’s what is: dedicating the rest of your life to becoming a professional athlete and/or a celebrity. In order to do this you will need to do the following. First, stop trying to do well in school. A common misconception is that doing well in school will lead to great opportunities in life. Not true. You may become a scientist or mathematician, but how many scientists and mathematicians do you see crushing it with hot babes? My point exactly. Not to mention that all that working hard in school is going to do is distract you from your ultimate goal of becoming a professional-level athlete in order to woo attractive women. You may be asking yourself, “Couldn’t I work hard in school and still become a celebrity, if not professional athlete?” Maybe in the 70s when celebrities were churning classic films like The Godfather, but not in today’s day and age where the top-rated shows on TV are Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Jersey Shore. Just ask yourself this: do you think The Situation knows what bioluminescence is? Then neither should you.
Well there you have it. Seducing beautiful women can be both fun and easy. Hopefully you found my guide inspiring and educational. Look out for my next advice article, Why Threatening Police Officers is Actually a Good Idea.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!