How to Win at Scratch Tickets
By
July 22, 2016

Family birthdays. Your high school locker combination. Your “lucky” numbers can’t help you here (and really, what have they done for you lately?) It’s the world of scratch tickets, baby, and it’s a different game.

You know you’ve got the itch, now it’s time to apply dabs of isopropryl rubbing alcohol–I mean, SCRATCH IT!

Some advance praise for the app and subliminal podcast of HOW TO WIN AT SCRATCH TICKETS:

“Matt Sullivan’s HTWAST puts the ‘vice’ back in ‘advice.’ Now he’ll put this blurb in the ‘ad,’ get it?”
–Larry King via Twitter

“Matt Sullivan? That turkey owes me $5!”
–Rudy Ray Moore, The Disco Godfather

Here’s an excerpt, as transcribed from the infomercial:

*Use a quarter. Studies indicate that 71% of winning tickets were scratched with a quarter.

*If you need two “7s” and you come up with one “7” and one “6,” don’t quit. You’re getting this much closer to your rightful fortune.

*If you’re poor, you must spend a disproportionate amount of your money on scratch tickets. Remember, you’re competing with the 1%, who have more disposable income to spend on scratch-offs. How would you feel if some fat cat bought your winning scratch ticket because you needed “groceries?” Buy baby formula next month–with your $cratch ticket winning$!

*Save your losing tickets. They’ll come in handy for tax purposes once you inevitably hit the jackpot. For an even more enterprising use of your losing tickets, use a silver Crayola crayon to make “new” tickets to sell to that senior citizen on a fixed income who you run errands for.

*It’s like the music man says, you only get what you give. If you’ve scratched a lot of losers lately, keep spending. This is a good sign–it means you’re due for a big pay-out.

*If someone gives you scratch tickets (say, in an office grab) and you turn out to have a big winner, protocol dictates that you give the person who gave you the ticket 0%. That’s right-nothing. If they had given you a Barbie doll as a gift, would they demand that you give them one of it’s arms? Two? If so, they’re sickos (and why did they give you a Barbie doll in the first place?). The winning ticket was a gift-if the person had intended to give you a worthless piece of cardboard, they should’ve done so. Make things even more awkward in the office or at family gatherings, even end s lifelong friendship if need be-it’s your money, you owe them nothing.

*What to do with the crumby residue of your scratch ticket scraping? Sniff it. Who knows? You just might get hIgh.

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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