How to Write a Professional Resume
By
December 17, 2014

Step 1: Pick a Font! 

(Ring Ring) “Hello?” “Hi, it’s Times…New Roman…” “Oh that’s strange, I didn’t realize I had time traveled back to ’03 (click).” That’s right, TNR is over, it’s been done. You want your font to say something about who you are and ideally who you’d like to become. For me personally, I love to get down with Apple Chancery. It’s elegant without being too uptight, free without being too wild. Just like me. I am Apple Chancery.

Step 2: Pick a Font Size! 

“My word program is set to 12, so that’s usually the size I use.” Um okay, if your word program told you to jump off a cliff would you do it? Probably, you ignorant sheep. In other words, please remember that you have a choice. I like to set my font size to eight. Had to look a little closer to read that… did you not? And there you have it folks, you are trying to get these fat cat’s attention, and the best way to do that is to literally make them put their face right up to the screen, and that’s when you hit ’em with the goods aka your life accomplishments.

Step 3: Contact Information! 

Where you live says a lot about you, which is why I always put the White House as my home address. Maybe you had an internship there or maybe that’s just your summer residence, either way potential employers will be intrigued but most likely too intimidated to ask questions.

Step 4: The Final Step!

If you have followed my suggestions your new and improved resume should look a little something like this:

Screen Shot 2014-12-11 at 4.09.09 PM

Step 5: Congrats On Your New Job!!!!!

 

The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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