WOW! WOOOO! I’m totally blown away by this honor! Where do I begin?!

So, uhm, everybody thought I was insane when I started approaching producers about this project. I’d tell them I wanted to make a movie about pedophiles who kill puppies and I could not set up meeting one. But one bold, brave producer — who actually was a pedophile who had killed, and eaten I remind you, puppies — shared my vision. So first I have to thank my producer partner Peter Popper Gompers. 

I also want to thank Amoral Productions and Sony Classics for taking a risk on me: a first-time, unknown director with no history in this business, one leg, a glass eye and a tendency to break into unexplained seizures. They didn’t have to pay me in unmarked 20 dollar bills, even though I insisted. We should probably thank Citibank and the Federal Reserve.

I wanna thank my DP, Orville Stepanovich Tablecloth, who somehow figured out a way to shoot the entire movie at 640 frames per second in 70 millimeter stock through the lens of a GAF Viewmaster.

My Production Designer Marcus Barkusandwich and Costume Designer Edith Fingerhead gave life to this incredibly complex story told through the eyes of the hearing impaired with dialogue in Morse code.

My cast, all of you, did the impossible. I first have to mention the seven of you that were literally raised from the dead one week before shooting. Unbelievable. You all went so deep down inside of yourselves. I especially want to thank the ones who sedated themselves to put an endoscope down their throat and truly reveal what was inside, going deeper than any actor ever has … or ever will. I’m sorry some of you got charged for the rental of the endoscope. Just keep sending me the receipts.  We WILL make you whole! 

I really owe it all to my crew who worked insane hours under tremendous stress and uncertainty. Many of you were fed in dry protein pellets on metal plates, which really made it easy to shoot without interruption. You are finally catching up on sleep and some of you may never sleep normal again. I want to thank the union for making contractual accommodations for housing. As you know, we housed the entire crew in ten story cabins with Danish modern bunks beds stacked 40 high. This created a certain tension and unique camaraderie that we’ll all never experience again. 

My parents, gosh, they never really understood why I couldn’t be like all the rest of the kids and leave the basement at least once a week. Mom you told me I could be anything I wanted, as long as I didn’t tell anyone about your physical and verbal abuse. Dad you told me there were no limits and the only thing stopping me were 2 of the 10 commandments … the ones about killing and stealing. You supported me all the way, even that time you ran out of money and asked me to steal and kill for you. I owe you both big time!

My unbelievable wife, you stood by me the whole way, even when I told you to stop standing so close to me, don’t stand, don’t stand so close to me. You allowed me to cheat with every female on the crew without contacting an attorney until after we completed principal photography. I wanna thank my children, Salata MIxta and Sasheen … you give me a reason to live. I already had a reason to live, which is to feed my monstrous ego, but now I have another reason to live. YOU!

As someone once said:

“You’re standing on my shoulders. Get off my shoulders. I’m not a giant. I’m shorter than you are and I’m about to collapse. Couldn’t you take your shoes off. Seriously .. hiking boots??” Someone once said that. The one with people on their shoulders. 

And finally … Am I running out of time!!? Didn’t I just say FINALLY! I’m not done! WAIT … YOU’RE COMING AFTER ME!?? GET AWAY!! Everybody!! I have grenades strapped to my chest … SEE!! YA WANNA DIE!! LISTEN!! NORTH DAKOTA PIPELINE AND THE PEOPLE OF YEMEN!! CHELSEA MANNING!! TIBET!! RHINO POACHERS!! And … ok I’m getting the signal…I can see snipers with lasers. OKAY OKAY! Thanks … and I ALMOST FORGOT TO THANK MEMBERS OF THE ACADEMY!!



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!