I Am Delighted to Inform You That Your Company Has Been Chosen to Offer Me Employment!
By
June 1, 2017

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It gives me the greatest delight to write to you to inform you that out of the millions of worthy companies across the country that would indefinitely suspend operations just to get a chance to employ me, I have chosen your company to be the one to get that chance. 

My decision to select your company was not taken lightly. 

I conducted a rigorous search for suitable companies based on criteria such as historic revenue growth, employee satisfaction, leadership, vision, strategy, future prospects, and total number of job offers made annually to college graduates with little-to-no experience.

I was impressed by the sheer amount of talent uncovered by my search process. There were many companies deserving of admiration. I must absolutely and without reservation commend these companies.

However, there were many less companies I considered extending an offer to, to offer me. 

It was agonizing trying to decide which companies were worthiest of the chance to make me an offer I might refuse. 

If I were the neurotic type, I might even have lost sleep over it. However, I am composed and can handle stress, pressure and difficult decisions, as evidenced by my summer work experience at a major umbrella rental stand on Copacabana Beach in Brazil, a foreign country. 

There really were so many good companies and brands that I’m sure desperately require the expertise obtained from a Business major who took 6 years to intimately explore and discover the deep fundamental truths of revenue growth, leadership, and brand management.

But unfortunately for them, and fortunately for you, I can only take so many offers for employment, and so I am ecstatic to advise you that I have decided to let you be the one to get the offers rolling.

This offer unfortunately lapses within one week from the receipt of this letter to offer you a chance to offer me employment.

I will then respond to this offer within one month of me receiving it. 

The reason for this deadline is fairness: I worry for the many other companies eagerly waiting for their own chances to offer me employment. I ask you to please be fair to them.

I hope that you are as delighted by my offer to you, to offer me, as I am, and that you will make the right decision by returning my offer with an offer of your own so that I can soon decide whether we can go from offeror and offeree to employer and employee.

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

 

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