The movies are full of superheroes. Spider-Man, Superman, Batman, the Avengers, and more costumed heroes every day are lighting up the big screens, distracting us from the real heroes.

Like me, Outstanding Fellow.

Let me tell you a little about myself, not because I’m proud, or because I want your love and respect, but because I want a movie franchise of my own.

Like Iron Man, I enjoy a drink every now and then every day.

Like Aquaman, I am respected by everyone and never the butt of jokes.

Like Thor, some consider me a god. He has the hammer of Thor; I have the screwdriver of Philips.

Like Spider-Man, I am responsible for the death of my uncle (long story).

My origin is a secret, and I cannot reveal the full extent of my powers, but I can leap tall curbs in a single bound, if I’m paying attention.

During puberty, I developed the ability to know what anyone is thinking just by reading their Facebook or Twitter feed.

I’ve inspired millions of people around the world with my ability to eat gluten.

Once I prevented a bank robbery by deciding to ask my parents for money instead.

I’m always noble, thoughtful, just, strong, discerning, creative, and humble.

My enemies sometimes exploit my one weakness, which is fire, and the fact that I failed math.

I have a son called Outstanding Lad, according to Maury.

I have high standards and a strict moral code. I believe a superhero should never kill, even when doing stand-up comedy.

I can’t keep a steady girlfriend because it would endanger her life, and not because of any issues I have with intimacy, Jennifer!

I believe in traditional values, like banning violent children’s shows until I star in one.

I believe I was given my powers for a reason, and the reason is that I should help decent, hard-working people around the world make me a mainstream brand.

More than anything, I believe in this philosophy: “With great power comes a billion-dollar movie franchise.”

It’s monetizin’ time!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!