I Ate Poison for a Month: This Is What It Did to My Body
By
August 17, 2016

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There are a lot of crazy diet fads out there. People care about their bodies a lot, but try to maintain them in awful ways. Some people just drink water, some strictly eat baby food, some people straight up eat babies. To keep themselves young or something. It makes sense honestly. 

I risked it all so that I could forever be immortalized as a pioneer in dietary history. A lot of food the average person consumes contains a lot of pesticides, GMOs, and other scientific things. We eat poison every day. So why not just eat poison? 

I ate and drank poison for an entire month. This is what it did to my body. 

Day 1: I drank nothing but Arsenic to start off my courageous endeavor. I fucking threw up all day. Holy shit. I feel like a new person! I threw up all that negative energy and some blood. I only had half a bottle of it left. I didn’t wanna carry it, so I put the rest in the water cooler at work. I hope my coworkers like it! 

Day 7: The Arsenic is doing wonders! I feel so much lighter. I do miss the texture of normal food, but still wanted some poison in me. So I made a salad. A Poison Ivy Salad. I was itching for it. Usually, contact with poison ivy makes you itch and swell. I welcome that. By association it will make my immune system swell and therefore deter all other unwanted side effects. Can’t wait to wash it all down with arsenic! 

Day 9: Holy shit I can’t move. Shouldn’t have had that Hemlock last night. LOL

Day 15: I’m slowly getting tired of all this. I can’t taste anything anymore. Everything taste like other things. I’m hoping to get a little bit of substance today. Some proteins. I went over to a sushi place and ordered puffer fish. I demanded they extract all the Tetrodotoxin, and pour it all over my food. Then had their famous “Poison Rolls”. If you eat them and don’t die you get your picture on their wall. Needless to say I got on their wall. 

Day 23: I fucking died. 

Day 24: I ate so much poison, I fucking came back to life. 

Day 30: I was murdered by the band “Poison.” Tell my story. 

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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