I, Barista
By
May 29, 2013

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. We are not actually a Starbucks, but we serve their coffee. I know. It confuses me too. You’re right, corporate America does blow. Here’s a pamphlet for Occupy the Mall to be held this Saturday. The flyers were printed next door at Staples.

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. My Café Manager finishes all the morning meetings by saying, “Cool beans.”

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. I read graphic novels in the break room during my half-hour lunch break, which has been mercilessly scheduled by Alice the Shift Manager at 10:30 in the morning. Because “It’s noon somewhere,” and “the break room gets so full around twelve.”

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. I’m sorry, but because we are not officially a Starbucks we cannot accept your Starbucks gift card. Nor can we accept your Starbucks Gold Card. Thank you for dumping your coffee out on the floor and not on the register.

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. Our pizzas come frozen, pre-packaged and in one size. You can choose from cheese, extra cheese and pepperoni. Yeah, we serve pizza.

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. The booksellers don’t talk to me about the books they’re reading because they think I won’t understand the dystopian complexities of The Hunger Games. They say it’s because I work in the café and not on the floor (or the “thinker’s area” as Alice refers to it). They don’t know I have a Master’s Degree in Comparative American Literature.

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. Would you like something from the bakery with your coffee? Please? I’m being watched.

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. The truth is I do enjoy cleaning up the spilled milk, sugar and broken stir sticks that collect on the condiment counter. It’s good practice for when I have children of my own. Or when my elderly in-laws eventually move in with us.

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. When I return, gloriously, as a celebrated author on tour with my children’s book Rob the Red Velvet Cupcake Saves the Bakery, can I still get the 50% employee discount on bakery items? If so, I’ll have five Chocolate Chunk Cookies, three blueberry scones, one slice of pumpkin cheesecake and fourteen chocolate milks. You know, for my in-laws and kids. Oh, and have Alice get me two bottles of water. Make sure she knows I want them chilled and pulled from the back of the row. Fantastic.

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. Hello, skinny pale teenager sipping your very first coffee while simultaneously reading a copy of Salinger’s Nine Stories and an article in Poets & Writers magazine on how to get your novel published: I’m the Ghost of Christmas Future.

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. I get to clean up the seat where someone discovered their unique sexuality while reading Game of Thrones.

I am the barista at the café in the Barnes & Noble. Let’s be honest, what I said before about a book tour isn’t going to be true. I’d be happy to accept the offer of Assistant Café Manager. I need the insurance and now I’ll get that 45-minute lunch at 11:15.

Cool beans.

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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