That’s right, bitches! No trip to Las Vegas is complete without the best motherfuckin’ American publisher of contemporary prose and politics! It’s my treat, you whores! I bought the full ride too! We’re talking mobile app, tablet app, and their male stripper app “Condé Nasty.” This shit is off the hook! (If only we could say the same thing about the world’s dwindling marine life.) It even comes with a sex robot that will debate your uncle on historical and cultural controversies! We’re gonna party tonight, girls! Keep your worries back in Oklahoma because now you have the well-researched worries of cultural and political critics!

Suzie, tell that stripper to get his junk out of your face. Check out this article on the Pfizer-Allergan merger. Can you believe that? The balls those guys have! No, I’m not talking to you, stripper-guy! (But for real, Mr. Stripper – you should check out their piece on police death statistics; it’s kind of offensive what you’re wearing right now.) Suzie – come on, look at this Pfizer shit! Ahh, man! You spilled wine on it! What the fuck! There goes my weekly fee down the goddamn drain. I can’t believe this! Suzie, Gwen, Meredith – I thought you guys would be happier about this. I mean, all Gwen did was buy a bottle of vodka. I’m showing you guys the fucking world! (By reading a magazine.) I’m offended… and not because I read an examination on the systematic racism intrinsic in our workforces! Not in the good way!

Listen! What happens here stays here! (Unless The New Yorker publishes at least fifteen-hundred words on it.) Let’s not ruin our fun! We all have jobs to get back to in Oklahoma. Let’s not spend our time off fighting! Unless we’re fighting over incredibly complex, nuanced, impossible-to-understand geopolitical crises. I’m fine with fighting about that! Until then, let’s spend our time partying! Maybe we’ll get a little drunk and do something we’ll regret like waste time in the “Shouts & Murmurs” section. See! I’m fun! I’m “down” as the millennials say. Let’s get fucked up and shuffle through cartoons until the sun comes up!

Ha! That dog said something surprisingly potent and relatable!

No? Well, fine! What do you guys want to do? And please don’t say, “Read The Atlantic.” Don’t get me started on The Atlantic! They don’t even require a recurring payment! That’s how shitty they are! What? You want to shoot craps? Oh come on! How is that advancing your understanding of the world? Unless you said you want to “shoot cops” meaning to film police bruta – no? You didn’t say that? Okay… You want to “shoot craps” like the game with the dice… I see, that makes more sense. No, yeah. Of course not. Why would you want to, uhh I don’t know, start a revolution? Yeah! Doing shots is way better than, hmm, I don’t know! HELPING THE WORLD’S MOST VULNERABLE PEOPLE! (By reading about it.)

Look, I don’t know if this is working out. I thought this Vegas trip would be filled with more in-depth conversations on the effects of social media in modern relationships or some shit like that. This is honestly kind of disappointing. Meredith, you had a pregnancy scare last night! Was that “fun?” You know you won’t get paid work-leave, right? NO, THAT’S RIGHT. You wouldn’t know! You’re all filthy philistines! Have fun with your vodka, and strippers, and lack of political insight! I’m out of here! My tote bag awaits!

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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