I Can’t Stop Finishing My Groceries Before I Reach My Car
By
November 4, 2016

1477721842_1I have a dinner party tomorrow and I don’t know what to do. There’s no food in the pantry. My fridge is empty. And every time I go grocery shopping, I can never make the short stroll to my car without accidentally snacking on every single thing I purchased. 

It’s like something takes over me. As I’m pushing the shopping cart, I’ll glance at an unopened bag of baby carrots, and a tempting box of ravioli squares. Next thing you know, I’m scooping raw hamburger meat and chasing it with almond milk, and then there’s nothing left for the house. The cart is empty!

How can I host a dinner party if I can’t bring home a haul of bulk, bargain-priced goods without letting my appetite get the best of me? 

And I never catch myself in the moment! It happens when I start to pack my trunk, only to find a sauce pan of mascarpone spread I’m just about done eating. And when I think back on my walk to the car from the Costco entrance, at most I have a vague recollection of cracking open a dozen jumbo eggs and whisking it into a hollandaise spread for a root vegetable medley I plated in the parking lot.

I don’t know how everyone else does it. 

It takes serious self-control to stop yourself from digging into a dozen or so paper bags, grabbing an apple, and stuffing it in the mouth of a Balinese pig roasting in the cart with the undercarriage as a temporary charcoal grill. 

The other day I was pouring sparkling wine into thirty individual glasses when my co-worker Melinda honked at me. I was caught so off-guard, I hopped the curb instead of going down the ramp, knocked over the wine tray balanced on the push bar, the cheese platter to pair it with, the lobster frittata, and the store-bought crumble cake.

Also, there was a grease fire on the hibachi griddle. She must think I’m a total klutz! 

In short, I heard you do catering. 

 

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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