Until recently, I was a part of the 25% of American people who didn’t believe in climate change. Climate change always seemed like a big hoax to me. I couldn’t understand how suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, when I was 42-years old, everyone started talking about this thing that was destroying the planet. I was expected to believe that some scientists made a huge breakthrough and now, if we didn’t make some big changes, the earth would self-destruct? It sounded like a bunch of hooey to me, until, a couple months ago, when I boiled some water, poured it over my head and came to the conclusion that global warming had made boiling water really fricking hot.
I think I had some pretty good reasons to not believe in this whole climate change thing. First of all, I lived in the New England area and, if you’ve traveled here over the past few years, you’ll know what I’m talking about when I say that the winters here have never been colder. A blizzard would be terrorizing our town, with mounds ice-hail falling from the sky, layered with 14-inches of snow, like some winter apocalypse, and some bozo was telling us that the planet was getting hotter? Get the hell out of here. I wasn’t believing that crap. Well, that was until, in the dead of winter, I boiled 12 cups of tap water and dumped it over my head, only to realize that, over time, excess greenhouse gasses re-emitted back into the Earth have made boiling water so hot that it was now EXTREMELY DANGEROUS to throw multiple cups of it right into your face, nonetheless empty close to a gallon of it over your head.
It’s quite depressing that I didn’t understand the effects of climate change before I showered myself in boiling water. I really wasn’t swayed at all by these climate change experts. I was shown a few videos on the internet of some glaciers melting and it didn’t mean a thing to me. Snow and ice melted all the time. People hadn’t been gravely worried about avalanches and those had been happening since the beginning of time. So blocks of ice melting in the ocean? That wasn’t going to convince me that our world was on the brink of devastation. But, as you know, what did end up convincing me was 96 fluid oz. of boiling water that I plopped right on top of my head. Only then did I really start connecting the dots: burning fossil fuels like coal and oil increased the concentration of carbon dioxide in the air, making boiling water so hot that it was now INCREDIBLY UNSAFE to drop half a bucket’s worth over your head, and INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING if you did it in front of your children, after telling them, “Daddy knows science better than Ms. Wussbaum.”
I know you think I’m stupid. Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio created entire films around the effects of climate change. But, correct me if I’m wrong, neither of them even sprinkled themselves in boiling water. I would have certainly understood that climate change wasn’t a hoax, if Al Gore, just once, fired up his stove, boiled some water, and pointed at the boiling water, screaming, “THIS IS HOT NOW! CLIMATE CHANGE!”
Anyways, now that I permanently look like a wax figure that has had a torch held up to it for 5 hours, I understand the importance of climate change. I hope my ignorance is a warning to others who don’t believe in climate change. I urge everyone out there, who scoffs at what they have heard about the dangers of climate change, to put some trust in the environmental experts when they say, “You should not pour boiling water over your head. Boiling water has never been okay to pour over your head. Climate change has nothing to do with how hot boiling water is. Yes, climate change is real, but, again, it has nothing to do with how hot boiling water is. Boiling water has always been very hot. Please do not pour it over your head. Stop it. It will hurt you. Please don’t do it.”
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