You never expect to be swept off your feet by fresh produce… Yet here I am, and my story is proof that if you keep your heart open love will always find its way in (Shout out to the almighty Jane Seymour and her Open Hearts Jewelry Collection at Kay Jewelers).
I have been unlucky in the romance arena for so long that I became worried that I would never find someone. Little did I know that I was looking for love in all the wrong places, namely bars and clubs rather than the produce section at my local grocery store.
I hadn’t even thought to look presentable when I left my home that Sunday morning. After waking up from a night of heavy drinking, I hastily threw on a ratty sweater and old jeans but, as Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman taught me, I made sure my heart was open just in case love was looking to sneak its way into this exclusive concert in my chest.
I knew when I walked into the grocery store that I was only looking to get a Gatorade and some Strawberry Pop Tarts, but something compelled me to make a special trip to the produce section. Perhaps it was my open heart? I like to think so. I like to think that Kathleen Cleary and her beautiful motto is what led me to the apples, and the love of my life.
When I first laid eyes on Honeycrisp I was taken aback by her beautiful curves, her brilliant colors (red and yellow), and also her light and airy internal structure. Her skin had the feeling and look of a well-developed patina on a waxy surface. I was smitten to be sure.
I approached gingerly. I slyly asked the ginger root to provide me some insight into whether or not I was even Honeycrisp’s type. Ginger assured me I should approach with confidence but not to be too upset if I was shot down. Honeycrisp was, after all, the apple of many suitors’ eyes. I channeled Isadora, Queen of Cordina from the 2014 Hallmark Television Film A Royal Christmas, and made a confident, open-hearted move.
Honeycrisp was immediately sweet to me, with just the right amount of tart bite to her. We hit it off quickly and effortlessly. The conversation flowed so freely that before we knew it, the manager of the grocery store announced that they would be closing in 15 minutes. Honeycrisp and I had spent the whole day talking in that magical, open-hearted, fluorescently lit, place. I felt it was the time for a bold move. Steeled by the words of Solitaire from the James Bond film, Live and Let Die, I chose to listen to my open heart and ask if Honeycrisp wanted to move in with me.
I waited an eternity in those milliseconds between the words leaving my mouth and touching her ears…
But she said yes! Praise Genevieve Teague from Smallville! She said yes!
Anyway, I hope that in sharing this story I have been able to touch someone, in some way. Honeycrisp and I have been enjoying a beautiful honeymoon period filled with long chats, ferocious lovemaking, and discussions of our mutual open hearts. If you’ve ever fallen in love with an apple before I hope you now feel less alone.
Jane Seymour, please get in touch or shout off in the comments, ily.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!